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Some times I just wish I could end a debate by saying "Listen, it's clear that I'm more intelligent than you, so just stop talking. Please."
It's easy to tell the cat owners from the dog owners in a pet store. Dog owners have dogs with them, and cat owners are women in sweatpants.
If you can't separate your religious beliefs from your political beliefs, I don't want you anywhere near the White House. #VPdebate
They need to write a book titled "Everyone's Stupid." It'll be like "Everyone Poops," but it prepares them for adulthood.
I hate that old white men are in charge of determining what rights and freedoms I'm allowed. #RepealDOMA
Pickup lines for old people: Hey baby you better call Life Alert, 'cause I've fallen for you and I can't get up.
We're finally approved for adoption from Lucky Dog Rescue! Now all we have to do is find a dog we like, & it's ours. YOU GUYS I CAN'T EVEN.
TRAFFIC, GET OUT OF THE WAY. I ONLY HAVE TWO HOURS TO PLAY SKYRIM BEFORE MY GIRLFRIEND GETS HOME AND I HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION TO HER.
Guys. How about instead of a "Kiss In," we just act like adults & maybe donate to a pro-gay charity instead? Because that makes more sense.
What do your cubicle, a stairwell, and outside all have in common? They're all better places to talk on the phone than the bathroom.
Gonna try one last time....Anyone want two free Bolt Bus tickets to New York? Leave tomorrow morning, come back Monday night. FREEEEE.
Guy just tried to hand us "No on 6" pamphlet. We told him no thanks, we'd like to get married some day. Get out of here with that nonsense.
How about we all just work from bed today?
What if Space Jam is just a movie inside another movie? And that movie is a drama in which Michael Jordan struggles with his LSD addiction.
If any kids come to my door asking for candy, I'm answering it with a beer in my hand, wearing no pants & my "THIS IS YOUR FUTURE" t-shirt.
I like inappropriate jokes, music I can sing along to, and people who keep me on the edge of my seat.