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Tonight I shall sleep naked with my butt poking out of the covers. I'm hoping this'll help me dream of being the playmate in a male prison.
My safe word is, "Omg-I-Think-That's-My-Husband."
It's been so long since I had sex, that my finger is starting to grow a wedding ring.
Is that a midget in your pants, or has your dick always been that small?
I've orally inflated 140 balloons in one sitting.. That bitch is going on my résumé.
Being ugly is your Get Out of Rape Free Card.
I like my men like I like my thongs - made to fit, and riding up my ass occasionally.
I often used to think I was somewhat fucked up in the head.. Then I started following you lot.
I really don't see why everyone is raving on about Justin Bieber's hair.. I mean those Down Syndrome kids have always had that hairstyle.
I'm only shaving one leg from now on. That way when I'm laying in bed, I can pretend I'm laying next to a man. "NO! I've got a headache."
As I lay me down to sleep, The world of Twitter continues to tweet. If my battery dies before I awake, I'll throw my iPhone into the lake.
I thought my widescreen television was stuck on zoom. It turns out Miley Cyrus' teeth are actually that big.
I can't decide whether you lot are funny, or if I am easily amused. Either way, you have a star.
Dear Dyson, if I had a penis, I'd let you suck me. Then again, if I had a penis I wouldn't need a you, because vacuuming is a woman's job.
iTunes suggested I "Turn on Genius".. Well, I've turned myself on, now what?
My cat bringing me dead mice is not considered a present. I don't eat mice. Bring me a pizza, pay my iPhone bill. That's a fucking present.
OOOOOOh..Who lived in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob Squarepants! Who died in an oil spill because of BP? Spongebob Squarepants!
When the woman insists her husband-to-be writes his own wedding vows, I get a kick out of Googling his speech to expose his copied bullshit.
Don't be fooled by the balls that I got. I'm still, I'm still a tranny from the block. Used to have a pussy now I have a cock..
Self-awareness is a bitch.
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