If you're nice to an animal, it loves you for life. If you're nice to a person, who the fuck knows what's gonna happen.

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I'm not mad.
Nothing's wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

Twitter: "Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican"

You had me with your cleverly crafted tweet, random pop culture reference, vague innuendos and shit I had to Google. Now let's fuck already.

Sure I'll quit Twitter.... Just as soon as someone teaches my 'real life' friends to be as fucking cool as my 'fake' internet friends!

One man's "Eeewww" is another man's "I'd bang that".

If you love someone, never set them free. Lock them up and love them weird enough until they get Stockholm Syndrome and love you back.

New to Twitter? Have your "Safe Word", "Super Power", "Pro Tips" all ready to go. And make fucking sure you're clear about "your/you're".

Every once in a while be nice to the people that actually love you, not just to the people that you wished loved you.

I love it that some of you guys say the really crazy stuff I'm thinking so I don't have to and I can just star your tweet instead.

Difficult childhoods make the most interesting adults.

Twitter should dump the little blue bird mascot and just officially change it to a set of boobs.

I don't hate anyone, I just wish some people would exist a lot more quietly.

The fastest diet is dumping all the negative people in your life.

Twitter is WAY better than sex.... until you're having sex.

Well played sex, well played.

Since Twitter:
Alcohol use ~ ↑ 100%
Xanax use ~ ↑ 100%
Bacon use ~ ↑ 100%
Stalking ~ ↑ 100%
Psychiatry visits - ↓ 100%
Total Win~Thanks Guys

Being a bitch doesn't mean you're tough; it just means you're a bitch.

My favorite sexual position?
Well, I wanna be respected first ~ then, fucked like a whore, on top of a car.
Just me. Quirky like that.

The quickest way to see if someone really cares about you is do better than them and see how they act.

Filling your vagina full of Skittles right before your gynecology appointment is a great ice-breaker and shows your doctor you're super fun.