Neighbor just pulled in his driveway with a heavy oak dresser & is headed toward my house so I have at least 5 seconds to break both my legs

Save the planet and stuff, the ocean or whatever.

The dangers of mental blind spots.

Sometimes I just wanna ask*How HIGH are ya?*
But I'm not....cause that's rude n shit.

C'est si bon,
So I say it to you,
Like the French people do,
Because it's oh, so good.

I'm in a lose/lose situation.

We carry out felt intentions more often than thought intentions

Some people should come with a tag that says Made In Stupid.

*breathes heavily*
*points at own tweet*
Are you gonna retweet that

Reliving Your Past
On Landscape, So Fettered
Wearing Inside Out
That Coat of
Afflicted, Unopened Letters

Wanted: someone to assist with yard work. Must be able to mow the lawn, push a heavy wheelbarrow, and be skilled at air guitar on a rake

If you think it's rude that I don't want to talk to you you should try talking to me.

If there's a sociopath in the room, they will find me and try to chat me up. Guaranteed.

Logical explanation for why I'm sick then since Moose is very sick.

17 called to say she and I mimic our cats. "When Moose sleeps, Olga sleeps. When Moose eats, Olga eats. When Moose is sick, Olga's sick."

@llvvzz disguising blood splatter, getting rid of DNA evidence, hiding a body...

@llvvzz YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH . . . I agree.

Roses are red
violets are purple
whoever writes shit like this
gets mad pussy like urkel.

Just won 50 tokens playing Deal or no Deal at Chuck E Cheese, so I'm pretty famous in here right now.

Don't let the feel good get in the way of being with the wrong person.