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Well, well, well, if it isn't the person I just made a fool for playing me for a fool without first making sure I was indeed a fool.
Why. Does. Everything. Have. To. Be. So. Hard.
You are so good for me. I'm pretty sure I would have killed a lot more people if I hadn't met you.
Kale is the waterboarding of food.
Nice try Ebola, but I've survived being in love.
I wish my life was half as interesting as all the emojis I use.
There's no need to go to a haunted house when I can be terrorized by letting my phone get to 3% battery for free.
*has 30 social media apps*
*still sits waiting for that 1 person to text*
You could have just said you weren't having sex, you didn't have to wear crocs.
Make me feel safe and I'll give you the world.
*panic attack has a panic attack*
What base is it when you love fucking someone so much you're not afraid to annoy the shit out of everyone?
To Do List:
1. Tell everyone on social media how busy I am.
2. Check first thing off.
3. Realize I've already accomplished 2 things.
I can't tell if I'm in love or just need to be beheaded.
*gets so good at the internet, never has to go outside*
I love watching sunsets and having you inside me.
Sex so good it feels like love.
Don't forget to join social media and then complain on social media about social media.
Telling a man you're interested is like a lion hunting a gazelle; if the gazelle stops running, the lion would just say fuck it and starve.
Who knew that enlightenment would boil down to patiently waiting for texts and surviving panic attacks?
I am not your perception of me. I control your perception of me. Purchase the 2014 Tweet~Mates calendar at http://llvvzz.com