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Spend less time trying to convince other people why you can't and spend more time convincing yourself why you can.
So grateful for google & photoshop for making everyone seem clever & look good without the annoyance of getting an education & exercise.
If you're not even interested in your own life, why should anyone else be?
The fastest way to guarantee change is to make adaptation part of survival.
If men handled women half as well as they handle a new car, relationship gurus would instantaneously become an urban myth.
I'll stop assuming you're lying as soon as you stop lying.
Is it really too much to ask for regular D attached to someone who doesn't annoy the fuck out of me?
If you're not an animal, I probably won't like you.
New Years Resolutions: No. Fucking. Thanks.
Recipe for life:
Find something to eat.
Find somebody to fuck.
Find somewhere to sleep.
Stir. Repeat until death.
[jumping out of bed]
Can't wait to make this a great day!
Anxiety: How about obsessing over all your failures instead?
[goes back to bed]
Maybe that time you saw only one set of footprints, God unfollowed you for writing shitty tweets. You don't know.
Dating you makes me want to be a better person. So I can date better people.
*feels emotionally stable*
[Sade song comes on the radio]
*dies crying in the fetal position*
Being around people is hands down the fastest way to remember how much you hate being around people.
Horror-Scope: Congratulations, you're one day closer to death.
Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.
Just remember that no matter how tough someone seems, if you drop their cell phone, they'll cry like a little bitch.
I am not your perception of me. I control your perception of me. Purchase the 2014 Tweet~Mates calendar at http://llvvzz.com
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