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Recipe for life:
Find something to eat.
Find somebody to fuck.
Find somewhere to sleep.
Stir. Repeat until death.
[jumping out of bed]
Can't wait to make this a great day!
Anxiety: How about obsessing over all your failures instead?
[goes back to bed]
Maybe that time you saw only one set of footprints, God unfollowed you for writing shitty tweets. You don't know.
Dating you makes me want to be a better person. So I can date better people.
*feels emotionally stable*
[Sade song comes on the radio]
*dies crying in the fetal position*
Being around people is hands down the fastest way to remember how much you hate being around people.
Horror-Scope: Congratulations, you're one day closer to death.
Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.
Just remember that no matter how tough someone seems, if you drop their cell phone, they'll cry like a little bitch.
FYI: it's okay to murder anyone who gives you homemade gifts that involve beads, yarn and a glue gun.
Fun fact: If you watch Bill Cosby's comedy for longer than ten minutes, you can legally say you were raped.
Hey people who use all 140 characters: wrap it up. Some of us have things to do.
I can tell everything I need to know about someone by what they pick as their karaoke song.
Can I get a happy ending?
I'll apologize for being sarcastic when people apologize for being ignorant.
I only date to keep up with the creative ways people dump each other.
America's spirit animal is the mobility scooter.
Life Alert but for when your relationship is dying.
Holidays are the best time to remember why you only see your family once a year.
I am not your perception of me. I control your perception of me. Purchase the 2014 Tweet~Mates calendar at http://llvvzz.com