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My favorite extreme sport is avoiding reality.
My favorite extreme sport is stumbling through life.
Well, that's the last time I have sex with the Easter Bunny for crack.
Pro Tip: Just because someone crawls up your ass doesn't necessarily make them your friend.
I don't have a problem with drugs; I have a problem without drugs.
I didn't leave you, I boycotted your existence.
Your psychiatrist's opinion about your mental status doesn't count if he has less followers than you.
Sometimes life is about shoving mark ass bustas out of the way to get to the front of the line at Walmart.
My sex tape is just me pushing the guy's head out of the way while I try to get the best angle for a selfie.
My favorite part of the day is pretending to be just busy enough to get out of doing anything.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was to convince us to get on Twitter.
You can't show someone real love if you don't even know what it looks like.
My gang sign is lifting up my skirt and bending over.
Top Signs of a Midlife Crisis:
1. Floss religiously.
2. Spend more on vitamins than food.
3. Talk about having sex more than doing it.
The new iPhone is also a vibrator. When the phone rings, it automatically Snap Chats a picture of your vagina to all of your contacts.
The only people concerned with "behaving" are the one's that no one wanted to party with in the first place.
A Blood Moon Eclipse is like a sexy woman on her period: It's beautiful, but not worth getting up in the middle of the night to go see.
That awkward moment when you realize all your friends are completely insane and you don't know whether to be proud or scared.
I'd much rather just fuck someone than to try to pretend I'm even slightly interested in whatever crap they're talking about.
The only time someone should cry if they're single is if they're tears of joy.
I am not your perception of me. I control your perception of me. Purchase the 2014 Tweet~Mates calendar at http://llvvzz.com