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I'm not crazy but I fuck like I am.
I'm not crazy but stay the fuck away from me just in case.
I would have loved to date you but you won't fit in my trunk.
The evolution of prehistoric man dates back to MySpace.
I'd get off Twitter for you.
I'd answer a ringing phone for you.
The side effects of relationships include dizziness, nausea, pregnancy and unusual homicidal urges.
Don't hold grudges; Vendettas are so much lighter.
My favorite extreme sport is avoiding reality.
My favorite extreme sport is stumbling through life.
Well, that's the last time I have sex with the Easter Bunny for crack.
Pro Tip: Just because someone crawls up your ass doesn't necessarily make them your friend.
I don't have a problem with drugs; I have a problem without drugs.
I didn't leave you, I boycotted your existence.
Your psychiatrist's opinion about your mental status doesn't count if he has less followers than you.
Sometimes life is about shoving mark ass bustas out of the way to get to the front of the line at Walmart.
My sex tape is just me pushing the guy's head out of the way while I try to get the best angle for a selfie.
My favorite part of the day is pretending to be just busy enough to get out of doing anything.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was to convince us to get on Twitter.
I am not your perception of me. I control your perception of me. Purchase the 2014 Tweet~Mates calendar at http://llvvzz.com