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People who mistake my kindness for weakness don't realize the ridiculous number of people I've literally killed with kindness.
A filter so good that it unfucks all of your exes.
Congratulations on being so stupid you're oblivious that no one likes you.
What do you mean I can't file a restraining order against my life?
"I was just joking" and other lies I tell people.
I can't wait to meet that special someone who I like enough not to think about someone else during sex.
I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.
How to get along with your spouse: Don't have one.
Twitter is the most interesting path one can take that goes absolutely nowhere.
I never take advice from married people because they're obviously retarded.
Cure depression by not dwelling in the past.
Cure anxiety by not worrying about the future.
Oh, you think your opinion matters?
Delusions are so adorable.
Karma's not a bitch, you are.
Not paying my bills? Then shut the fuck up.
I can't wait to find that special someone who wants to just hang out while we both stare at our phones.
You call it crazy psycho, I call it deeply passionate.
I wish I loved anything as much as complete losers love judging other people's lifestyle choices.
I'm in a long distance relationship with my sanity.
If you don't have compassion you don't have anything.
More relationships are lost by neglect than by any other cause.
I am not your perception of me. I control your perception of me. Purchase the 2014 Tweet~Mates calendar at http://llvvzz.com