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Hey people who use all 140 characters: wrap it up. Some of us have things to do.
I can tell everything I need to know about someone by what they pick as their karaoke song.
Can I get a happy ending?
I'll apologize for being sarcastic when people apologize for being ignorant.
I only date to keep up with the creative ways people dump each other.
America's spirit animal is the mobility scooter.
Life Alert but for when your relationship is dying.
Holidays are the best time to remember why you only see your family once a year.
Reality show idea: Take away the phones of a group of people addicted to the internet and see how long it takes until they kill each other.
Of course I don't believe you love me, it doesn't feel enough like torture.
Ladies, if you aren't getting five star Yelp reviews for your blowjobs, you're half-assing it.
"We've just drifted apart" is the most poetic way to say, "I'm sick of you and want to fuck other people."
It's never too late to reinvent yourself to be anything besides a fucking asshole.
When you say, "my ex is a psycho" all I hear is, "I just got served with another restraining order"
90% of being an adult is just trying not to give up.
You could have just said you were at rock bottom, you didn't have to open a twitter account.
Who tweets for us when we die?
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Your first mistake is assuming anyone gives a fuck.
I am not your perception of me. I control your perception of me. Purchase the 2014 Tweet~Mates calendar at http://llvvzz.com