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New Years Resolutions: No. Fucking. Thanks.
Recipe for life:
Find something to eat.
Find somebody to fuck.
Find somewhere to sleep.
Stir. Repeat until death.
[jumping out of bed]
Can't wait to make this a great day!
Anxiety: How about obsessing over all your failures instead?
[goes back to bed]
Maybe that time you saw only one set of footprints, God unfollowed you for writing shitty tweets. You don't know.
Dating you makes me want to be a better person. So I can date better people.
*feels emotionally stable*
[Sade song comes on the radio]
*dies crying in the fetal position*
Being around people is hands down the fastest way to remember how much you hate being around people.
Horror-Scope: Congratulations, you're one day closer to death.
Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.
Just remember that no matter how tough someone seems, if you drop their cell phone, they'll cry like a little bitch.
FYI: it's okay to murder anyone who gives you homemade gifts that involve beads, yarn and a glue gun.
Fun fact: If you watch Bill Cosby's comedy for longer than ten minutes, you can legally say you were raped.
Hey people who use all 140 characters: wrap it up. Some of us have things to do.
I can tell everything I need to know about someone by what they pick as their karaoke song.
Can I get a happy ending?
I'll apologize for being sarcastic when people apologize for being ignorant.
I only date to keep up with the creative ways people dump each other.
America's spirit animal is the mobility scooter.
Life Alert but for when your relationship is dying.
I am not your perception of me. I control your perception of me. Purchase the 2014 Tweet~Mates calendar at http://llvvzz.com