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The only thing that truly has any control over my life is my cell phone battery.
The greatest part about twitter is watching the progression of a normal person as they turn into a nonstop validation seeking lunatic.
To find someone's true intellect:
Take their IQ and divide by the number of social media sites they're on.
The easiest way to tell if a guy wants to fuck you:
1. He's still talking to you.
You can find me on Twitter, KIK, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, Voxer and Tinder, but for fucks sake, don't ever talk to me in real life.
You know you're an adult when you'd rather find new ways to embrace denial than live in bullshit reality.
Damn, are you a joke format, because you're so fucking boring.
Twitter: Where it's acceptable to steal someone's spouse, but not someone's tweet.
Instagram filters, but to make your life look meaningful.
It's a lot easier to find someone interesting if they're having sex with me.
Ladies, If your makeup doesn't look like The Joker when you're done giving a blowjob, you half-assed it.
Next time you want comfort food, have some delicious sex instead. It's super filling and way less fattening.
I'm old enough to remember when a relationship meant touching another person; not just selfies and texts.
Twitter is perfect if you ever need a time stamped account of your descent into madness.
Depression is just your body's way of saying it needs more orgasms.
The best transformer would be someone who you could have sex with, and when you finished, they would turn into a delicious pizza.
Being an adult is when you realize all your dreams are really just glamorized nightmares.
There are only two types of people in the world: The ones that can hang with me and the ones I don't want to fuck.
Happiness is having amazing loving and caring friends that leave you the fuck alone.
Everything is toxic about you;
hurry up and destroy my life.
I am not your perception of me. I control your perception of me. Purchase the 2014 Tweet~Mates calendar at http://llvvzz.com