If someone tells you they're an asshole, believe them!

Imagine a world where people who don't know what they're talking about are at least smart enough to know they should shut the fuck up.

You're only considered a functioning alcoholic if getting drunk solves all of your problems not creates them.

Good times to get drunk:
Special Occasions.
Holidays.
Parties.
To forget shit.
To fuck strangers.
To say shit you can't when sober.
Always.

Everyone is beautiful and someone out there is crazy for you. Just hope it's regular crazy and not 'needs electric shock therapy' crazy.

Twitter is a like bipolar drama roller coaster; Everyone should pick a fucking medication and stick with it.

People bother you only to the extent that you let them.

You control who you allow in your life.

Don't be afraid to block, delete, ignore.

Don't worry about someone who isn't worried about you.
Don't worry about who you're not with.
Don't worry about what I'm doing.
Don't worry.

Hell is probably just a bunch of people wandering around saying, "This is just like Twitter. Not even death deactivates my account? FUCK!"

Anyone that makes me feel like shit, I make them feel like they don't exist. Simple.

Filling your vagina full of Skittles right before your gynecology appointment is a great ice-breaker and shows your doctor you're super fun.

Someone criticized my tweets and tried to tell me how to run my Twitter account, so obviously now I have a dead body to hide.

It's fun watching pornos knowing I can do it better.

"I never got your text" is one of social media's most adorable ways to tell someone they don't matter to you anymore.

Just because I don't say anything doesn't mean I can't see what an asshole someone is being.

Stupidity is the most common quality on Earth. Scientists should briefly stop other research and fucking cure stupidity once and for all.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don't really have a problem.

You, but with more drugs, sex and rock 'n roll.

New to Twitter?

Make sure you say goodbye to your family and have a current will because once you login, you probably won't ever logout.

Tweet
Don't Tweet.
Say your opinion.
Don't say your opinion.
Breathe
Don't Breathe.

You're going to lose followers regardless, so have fun.