What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I'm not mad.
Nothing's wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

If someone tells you they're an asshole, believe them!

New to Twitter?

Make sure you say goodbye to your family and have a current will because once you login, you probably won't ever logout.

Twitter: "Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican"

A good girl is a super naughty girl who knows how to keep a secret.

Imagine a world where people who don't know what they're talking about are at least smart enough to know they should shut the fuck up.

If you're nice to an animal, it loves you for life. If you're nice to a person, who the fuck knows what's gonna happen.

Stupidity is the most common quality on Earth. Scientists should briefly stop other research and fucking cure stupidity once and for all.

Everyone is beautiful and someone out there is crazy for you. Just hope it's regular crazy and not 'needs electric shock therapy' crazy.

Good times to get drunk:
Special Occasions.
Holidays.
Parties.
To forget shit.
To fuck strangers.
To say shit you can't when sober.
Always.

People bother you only to the extent that you let them.

You control who you allow in your life.

Don't be afraid to block, delete, ignore.

Filling your vagina full of Skittles right before your gynecology appointment is a great ice-breaker and shows your doctor you're super fun.

Hell is probably just a bunch of people wandering around saying, "This is just like Twitter. Not even death deactivates my account? FUCK!"

Anyone that makes me feel like shit, I make them feel like they don't exist. Simple.

Difficult childhoods make the most interesting adults.

Sure I'll quit Twitter.... Just as soon as someone teaches my 'real life' friends to be as fucking cool as my 'fake' internet friends!

It's fun watching pornos knowing I can do it better.

When a disaster happens, often times it exposes beautiful things like the good nature of most of humanity.

The best type of happily ever after is being able to pick up the pieces, start fresh and move on.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don't really have a problem.