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Top gifts to get your ex:
1. Electric Shock Therapy.
2. Restraining Order.
3. Shallow Grave.
Crazy should be an accessory, not an entire outfit.
This is the best time of year to use the "eat everything you want and then cry" diet.
Life would be better if you could grind it up and snort it.
If you're nice to an animal, it loves you for life. If you're nice to a person, who the fuck knows what's gonna happen.
Your existential crisis would be a lot more interesting if you weren't such a douchebag.
It sure gets awkward when people assume I want to talk to them just because I want to fuck them.
Some Twitter timelines read like lyrics to a bad country music song.
Values give us structure in an otherwise chaotic universe. With these values, we can express our full potential. This is ultimate freedom.
Sorry, your paranoia is rooted in narcissism, not reality.
Insomnia is when it takes more than just one night to figure out where the fuck it all went wrong.
Spice up any holiday party by disclosing everyone who is having an affair.
Learn to let the little things go. Or hunt them down and kill them. Either way, shut the fuck up. This will help all aspects of your life.
A good place to start self-improvement is to be less vapid than the abyss you're looking into.
A flux capacitor, but to get my life back from before I logged into Twitter.
If you can't drive across town in twenty minutes, you're not listening to the right music.
If you're going to the liquor store, can you grab me a bottle of the answers to life?
A day in the life of a wizard:
1. Cast spells.
2. Drink potions.
3. Lather beard.
4. Ride all the dragons.
5. Effortlessly drown in pussy.
I hope there's no heaven. Eternal life sounds like hell.
I followed my bliss. I followed it down a dark alley. It turns out it wasn't bliss at all. It was just regular life trying to fuck me.
I am not your perception of me. I control your perception of me. http://facebook.com/llvvzzz @llvvzzz for #FF Check out Tweet~Mates! at http://llvvzz.com