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You can tell how rich someone is by how mad they get when you ask if their glasses are Warby Parkers
Writing a book of all of the failed flirty texts I've sent, titled 'This Toddler Made Me Think of You'.
"New tattoo, zero likes." - my way sadder version of that baby shoe story
I Couldn't Remember if Umbrellas in Snow Were a Thing so I Didn't Bring One: The Hannah Brandeis Story
I'm the Wayne Gretzky of forgetting I bought a trench coat.
I like e-cigarettes because they have all the nicotine of two packs of cigarettes without the indication that you should stop at any point.
Must be pretty embarrassing to be a male praying mantis since everyone would know if you're a virgin.
My life has been way more productive since I started referring to bad decisions as "working on my memoir".
Don't even talk to me before I've had my morning pint of coffee flavored ice cream.
I should really get started on this genius body of work.
Pandora is a great service that will take any band you like and find the closest dad-rock equivalent.
Men are just a beard delivery system.
This subway ad for a philosophy degree is easily the most embarrassing thing I've seen this week and I watched a man eat garbage yesterday.
They say "dress for the job you want", but I get weird looks every time I wear my sexy bank robber outfit.
Lotta Zach Braffs out tonight.
Let's make this houseboat a homeboat.
Can I tell you something, Jungle 2 Jungle?
Carried a puppet on the train today. I'm just gonna sit back and let the Craigslist missed connections roll in.
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