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"Fuck the system," I whisper as I slip on a jacket made for warmth and utility rather than style.
You can tell how rich someone is by how mad they get when you ask if their glasses are Warby Parkers
Writing a book of all of the failed flirty texts I've sent, titled 'This Toddler Made Me Think of You'.
"New tattoo, zero likes." - my way sadder version of that baby shoe story
I Couldn't Remember if Umbrellas in Snow Were a Thing so I Didn't Bring One: The Hannah Brandeis Story
I'm the Wayne Gretzky of forgetting I bought a trench coat.
I like e-cigarettes because they have all the nicotine of two packs of cigarettes without the indication that you should stop at any point.
Must be pretty embarrassing to be a male praying mantis since everyone would know if you're a virgin.
My life has been way more productive since I started referring to bad decisions as "working on my memoir".
Don't even talk to me before I've had my morning pint of coffee flavored ice cream.
I should really get started on this genius body of work.
Pandora is a great service that will take any band you like and find the closest dad-rock equivalent.
Men are just a beard delivery system.
They say "dress for the job you want", but I get weird looks every time I wear my sexy bank robber outfit.
This subway ad for a philosophy degree is easily the most embarrassing thing I've seen this week and I watched a man eat garbage yesterday.
Lotta Zach Braffs out tonight.
Let's make this houseboat a homeboat.
Can I tell you something, Jungle 2 Jungle?
Carried a puppet on the train today. I'm just gonna sit back and let the Craigslist missed connections roll in.
Sorry I'm late, there was a guy on the train who looked like a sea captain.