Today I saw a lady in clown makeup complaining to somebody who wouldn't give her the car keys. She said, "It's not funny!" But it so was.

Having read yet another #Sansa chapter in #AGameofThrones, I now think I understand what it’s like to have a root canal sans anesthetic.

Can it please be spring break already?

Holy fucking shitting fuck! @fake_rockstar is following me. I say again, holy pile of fucking crap! #notafuckinghumblebrag #SeePreviousTweet

Boom! RT @lizzwinstead: •SANTORUM HATES CONTRACEPTION SO MUCH, HE WILL NEVER PULL OUT OF THIS RACE. #GOPDebate #TweetThePress #Teabate

@homelessbill somebody just tried to sell me used mouthwash. I thought it was you for a second.

@risonthebison @dylan_hasson the virtual world must think you actually like us.

Yes. Poem attached to an apology letter I got today. #youcantmakethisshitup #teaching #rosesarered  http://instagram.com/p/Z_OXyXCf23/ 

Not yet 6:30am, and io just got shat upon by a pigeon. Today’s gonna be just swell.

Today I saw a girl stick her hand under her shirt, rub her armpit, smell her fingers, and give herself a self-approving nod. That’s ballsy.

Am I too old to build a 1159-piece X Wing Lego?

I'm at UCB Training Center (New York, NY)  http://4sq.com/10d4ilh 

@aviflombaum hey Avi! I just submitted my application and am really excited to hear back! Any chance I could stop by and get a little tour?

The saddest email in the world. #duke  http://instagram.com/p/YH3n5NCfwg/ 

@risonthebison nice typing.

Just had my first boxing session with @michaelolajide1 at #aerospaceNYC. Kicked my butt, but boy was it a blast!

#taxi #nyc  http://instagr.am/p/UbRLvDif1P/ 

"Folks, we need to back up here. We slipped by the station due to the wet leaves on the track." - Extremely...  http://tmblr.co/Z0bO2uW8pvQq 

Just got off the subway in manhattan. Good life decisions?

Well that's cool...somebody just tried to go on a Forever 21 shopping spree with my credit card...