I'm definitely not the smartest crayon in the lightbulb shed.

I could be described with a long, exaggerated sigh.

I bought work out clothes that are turning into great pajamas.

Crying would be super cute if tears were made of sprinkles.

Why haven't dating websites started matching people based on their Netflix queues?

My doctor asked if I need to be put on birth control, but we both just looked at each other and laughed.

I like the message Grease sends out: If a guy doesn't like you for you, change your personality so he does. And dress like a whore.

Many of my sexual advances can be mistaken for hate crimes.

If you still live with your parents, we've probably dated.

I hate when people sit next to me.

Ugh! We get it, sun! You're really bright and shit, now calm down.

"Hey boy, I'm not wearing my retainer tonight." -My version of sexting

My ultimate passive-aggressive act is the 'happy birthday' wish without an exclamation point.

I'm the type of person to apologize to everyone for showing up places.

My issue with most people is that they exist.

Do you think people would be okay with me paying for everything in butterfly kisses?

How fucked up is it that you have to get out of bed to do things?

i cannot emotionally handle side hugs anymore. it's all or nothing.

"Hey, let's wear the weirdest fucking thing you own and forget to do your hair again." -My brain this morning

it'd be super weird if people went through, like, a murder phase. they'd just be like, "oh yeah, i was crazy into killing when i was 27."