My whole life, I've been slow and passed it off as meticulous.

Word Lens. Augmented reality translation. Indistinguishable from magic, and all that. Mind blown. http://bit.ly/eBi4kK

It's incredible how much stuff I can get done when I have other, more important stuff to get done.

There's no justice 'til I can gay marry in a mosque at Ground Zero with a medical marijuana in my mouth.

I love that the iPhone lets me spend the first two hours of my workday conducting business in bed, like an infirm oil baron.

The sooner you see this, the sooner you can erase it from your mind. THIS IS NOT THE FUTURE. http://t.co/es8GAnW

The only thing I enjoy more than being out at a bar with friends is being alone at home with my thoughts, away from the judgement of others.

Okay, be honest: Who else put out a plate of vegan cookies and soy milk for Steve before they went to bed?

Celebrating the stuff without all the comments, it just dawns on me:

TWITTER IS THE COMMENTS WITHOUT ALL THE STUFF.

I just blew your mind.

Look at this douche using his iPad at a cafe with that smug look on his face. God, his hair looks good today in this dumb reflective screen.

"I don't even own a TV" no longer impresses me. Talk to me when you've transcended the toilet.

When replying to email, sometimes it's fun to change the original with misspellings and nonsense so your friends think they might be stupid!

My favorite part of 'Pretty Woman' is when she gets all flustered at the fancy restaurant because all she knows is hooker food.

Travel tip: as soon as the plane lands, stand in the aisle, ramming each other with your soulless moron faces chewing cud, you disgust me.

I want a Twitter app that when I launch, it tells me "97 New Tweets, 4 Worth Faving, Mostly Bullshit".

Yes, do go on. Some of my best friends are people I met at the post office who wanted to talk about how ridiculous this line is.

Books are the VHS of books.

Brilliant UX, Big Oil. http://t.co/1BJLUOSB

LinkedIn Park would be the second most boring band in the world.

I don't want this to come off as braggy, but I just heard my lady singing in the kitchen, "I Love Nachos" to the tune of "I Feel Pretty".