I have blue balls of the soul.

I do what I want, when I want. As long as my mom will drive me there.

Your heads shaped like a potato. I don't like it, I am leaving this conversation.

I have a special place in my heart for offensively funny people.

Shameless self promotion is something I excel in.

An 80% chance of catastrophic failure means a 20% chance of catastrophic success.

We get it- you all furiously masturbate and eat, constantly.

I'm so paranoid that as soon as there's a powerout I assume it's the beginning of social collapse and the apocalypse.

Drown a hipster in the mainstream.

Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're a sex bomb! - people in their heads about me, probably.

But... MC Hammer, none of us WANT to touch you.

Well thought out insults are my way of complimenting people.

Thinking about tattooing 'THUG LYF' in comic sans on my sisters forehead. 12 year olds like that shit right?

I'd love to offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals.

I did start to sunbathe today, but the feeling of melanomas growing on my back made me uncomfortable.

If anyone throws glitter at me I'll make it rain. Knives. On their heads.

Off to my apprenticeship to shampoo more mullets tomorrow. Life, why you so glamourous?

PARTY HARD - 32 year old virgins on twitter.

If you unfollow me I hope you get crocs for Christmas from everyone you know.

I hate getting to school early. Its like asking to get stabbed.