I could eat chocolate til the cows come home. Of course if I do then the cow will always be at home.

Craigslist selling tip: when taking a pic of your couch, smooth the butt prints out first so it doesnt look like its gonna smell like farts.

Only need tampons. Coupon for 2 boxes. Only lane manned by 4 boys. Now all I need is a price check, counterfeit bills and alarm at exit.

I wont play Mario with my kids d/t their mocking. How bout I dump their asses out across town and see if Yoshi shows up to help them home?

Some areas just aren't appropriate for a 5 blade razor.

"I've been under a lot of stress"- 5'4" 350 lb woman explaining to me why her blood pressure is 160/98.

Looking at rental property. Only I would notice the pubic hair on an outlet in the kitchen. On to the next house.

Happy Nurses Day! Got a gift card from my doc but also had someone sneeze right in my face. Guess my days about even so far.

Amazed at those circling the gym parking lot to get a spot close to the door. Scared to get some exercise before you get inside?

"Wow this iPhone cord is so long and cumbersome" - NOBODY EVER

For Moms Day going to make life easier on my grandmother by injuring myself with the garbage disposal so she can stop reminding me.

Not real big on evolution but have to admit some of my sickest patients are also pathetically stupid and annoying. Natural selection?

Hubs left hour ago for garbage bags. Either getting me Mothers Day gift or left me. Hmmm...win, win. Just kiddin pooh bear (he's a follower)

House clean, laundry, groceries, pies baked. Had to cram all that in today so I can make my family feel guilty for crappy gifts tomorrow.

You're not racist if you fly a rebel flag. You're an asshole.

"flannel". Sounds stupider the more you say it. No not high, just sittin on the couch sayin "flannel". Yep...alone...sayin "flannel"...sigh.

Don't refuse to weigh at the MD office. We can tell your overweight w/o a scale and frankly don't care. I'm doing my job. It's not a date.

Is it really necessary to write a song about not wanting gonorrhea?

Arnold has left Maria. Dogs play with bones. Men need some meat. Sorry girl. Go eat a sandwich or somethin'.

Got notice that I'm being serviced civil summons Tues @ 6. What should I wear? Gotta be sure cameras charged. So much to do, so little time.