Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Quit making excuses for him.
You can't put flowers in an asshole and call it a vase.
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn't made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
Thank you for informing me you have a stick figure family of 6.
Your minivan had me under the impression you were wild and single.
The day I see a runner smiling is the day I'll consider it.
My theory is, if you look confident you can pull off anything.
Still waiting on that Twitter Crush movie, Lifetime.
My mom texted me wondering what I put in my cock pot today, so I guess her and dad have been sexting.
"We go together like drunk and disorderly" -opening line to my future wedding vows
I drive at several WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ASSHOLES DOING per hour.
I can't fix stupid, but I CAN sedate it and restrain it.
Dogs prepare you for parenthood by never letting you go to the bathroom by yourself.
Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer give a fuck.
Like my great-grandfather always used to tell me, if you don't have anything nice to say, tweet it.
mom: you caught the bouquet?
When Twitter friends become real life friends...
I love that shit. 👌
If I were a dinosaur,
I'd be a wineasaurus rex.
I'll run at least 5K going from the living room to the kitchen to get more food today, so yes, I'm also running a Thanksgiving marathon.
"You gonna finish that?"
-My dog, if he could talk.
"I call it Cyber Sex Monday because I get off on good deals!"
Ladies and gentlemen, my mother.
i'm a RT in the streets, but a star in the sheets. my attitude is celibate-i don't give a fuck, but i do give great tweet.