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Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn't made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
Quit making excuses for him.
You can't put flowers in an asshole and call it a vase.
The day I see a runner smiling is the day I'll consider it.
I can actually hear people's spelling mistakes when they're talking to me.
Whoever said "honesty is the best policy" never told someone their baby is ugly.
I like to throw hostesses off by shooting back at them with, "Do I look Native American?" after they ask me if I have a reservation.
People only write "Congrats!" because they can't spell "Congratulations"
Don't let a female with a mustache tell you shit about life.
My theory is, if you look confident you can pull off anything.
When a woman tells you "I hate you" it means she really does hate you or she loves you.
It's that simple.
Let's both play hard to get till nobody gets nothing.
Bruce Jenner is my least favorite drag queen.
Still waiting on that Twitter Crush movie, Lifetime.
I'm white, but not pretends to like kale and coconut water white.
Birth control packs are like little Advent calendars for the worst fucking holiday ever.
"We go together like drunk and disorderly" -opening line to my future wedding vows
You move into the "old" category when your friends start having kids on purpose.
My mom texted me wondering what I put in my cock pot today, so I guess her and dad have been sexting.
Told my mom I had Five Guys for lunch and she wanted to know how long I've been having orgies.
My milkshake brings all the doctors to the yard and they're like, you need to stop drinking so many milkshakes you're going to get diabetes.
my attitude is celibate-i don't give a fuck, but i do give great tweet.