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Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn't made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
DINOSAURS WERE GLUTEN FREE AND THEY ALL DIED.
I can actually hear people's spelling mistakes when they're talking to me.
Quit making excuses for him.
You can't put flowers in an asshole and call it a vase.
MY NETFLIX & MY SNACKS
Whoever said "honesty is the best policy" never told someone their baby is ugly.
People only write "Congrats!" because they can't spell "Congratulations"
A butterfly flies into a tattoo shop and asks for a white girl on her foot.
I like to throw hostesses off by shooting back at them with, "Do I look Native American?" after they ask me if I have a reservation.
When a woman tells you "I hate you" it means she really does hate you or she loves you.
It's that simple.
Don't let a female with a mustache tell you shit about life.
Let's both play hard to get till nobody gets nothing.
Bruce Jenner is my least favorite drag queen.
I cover my shitty tweets with retweets like a cat in the litter box.
Still waiting on that Twitter Crush movie, Lifetime.
I'm white, but not pretends to like kale and coconut water white.
My milkshake brings all the doctors to the yard and they're like, you need to stop drinking so many milkshakes you're going to get diabetes.
"We go together like drunk and disorderly" -opening line to my future wedding vows
You move into the "old" category when your friends start having kids on purpose.
If you say "I seen" then I'm going to assume that you haven't seen the inside of a book in awhile.
I'm so stunning cops use a photo of me to tase criminals. My attitude is celibate, I don't give a fuck...but I do give great tweet.
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