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Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn't made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
DINOSAURS WERE GLUTEN FREE AND THEY ALL DIED.
I can actually hear people's spelling mistakes when they're talking to me.
Quit making excuses for him.
You can't put flowers in an asshole and call it a vase.
The day I see a runner smiling is the day I'll consider it.
MY NETFLIX & MY SNACKS
Whoever said "honesty is the best policy" never told someone their baby is ugly.
A butterfly flies into a tattoo shop and asks for a white girl on her foot.
People only write "Congrats!" because they can't spell "Congratulations"
I like to throw hostesses off by shooting back at them with, "Do I look Native American?" after they ask me if I have a reservation.
When a woman tells you "I hate you" it means she really does hate you or she loves you.
It's that simple.
Let's both play hard to get till nobody gets nothing.
Don't let a female with a mustache tell you shit about life.
Bruce Jenner is my least favorite drag queen.
Still waiting on that Twitter Crush movie, Lifetime.
I'm white, but not pretends to like kale and coconut water white.
My milkshake brings all the doctors to the yard and they're like, you need to stop drinking so many milkshakes you're going to get diabetes.
I cover my shitty tweets with retweets like a cat in the litter box.
You move into the "old" category when your friends start having kids on purpose.
"We go together like drunk and disorderly" -opening line to my future wedding vows
i don't always roll my eyes sometimes i'm sleeping. my attitude is celibate-i don't give a fuck, but i do give great tweet.