You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they'll spell it.

One way to disprove what the Bible says is thinking about it for two fucking seconds.

Hate girls who say, "Disney gave me high hopes for romance." Fuck you. Jafar gave me high hopes for being an emaciated gay sorcerer.

In every Iron Man poster, Gwyneth clings to Tony Stark like the rest of the world is made of gluten.

Call me a radical, but I think we'd all like it if Obama addressed the nation as "girl." #DNC

PBS, please produce hundreds of murder mysteries with powerless butlers named Romney.

I'm not saying Taylor Swift is bland, but she just shook out her hair and a bunch of Banana Republic gift cards flew out.

Nicki Minaj is just Lil Kim directed by Baz Luhrmann.

Life of Pi is one of the most emotional Lisa Frank folders I've ever seen. #Oscars

I worry about disappointing my parents because what I really want is to devastate them.

Seems cruel of Biden to match lavender glasses and a tie with no promise of performing "Bennie and the Jets." #SOTU

Before you make easy jokes about Steven Tyler, please remember he is a person and Mickey Rourke's grandmother.

Locking your Twitter account is a good way to announce that you're somewhat important and completely unimportant.

New pope: "Gay marriage is a machination of the Father of Lies." Ugh, the Father of Lies rejected me on Craigslist too.

R.I.P. Roger Ebert. He made you feel like being honest about something you love was the right way to matter.

I watch "American Idol" because one day Steven Tyler will turn to J-Lo and cry, "I AM YOUR MOTHER."

Who could ever replace Steven Tyler? Besides a starving mule dressed as Jimmy Buffett, I mean.

"The Artist" sends a very important message to Hollywood: Shut up. #Oscars

Pat Boone says that "marriage is something instituted by God." Wonder which black artist thought of that first.

Love that homophobes think quoting three or four Leviticus passages is impressive when I can stick a whole Bible in my mouth.