Sometimes I laugh so hard tears run down my leg.

Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the Ark wasn't leaving until 5. Sincerely, the Unicorns.

Wow have I really stayed up past my timeline?!

True fact: my Ob/gyn said the best lube is Olive Oil from the kitchen NOT to be used with condoms kiddos. Wow. Extra Virgin??

So if we are what we eat then I need to eat a skinny model.

I learned in microbiology Halitosis bacteria produce smells in your mouth identical to feces, decaying corpses, rotting meat, & stinky feet

"Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you"

- Zombie love song

These pimples make me look younger right? RIGHT?!

I have PMS. I want some damn cheese. And popcorn. And pickles. Cheese!

One thing the boyfriend and I definitely agree on: Angelina Jolie looks like skeletor.

If men weren't so simple women wouldn't have to be so complicated.

Madonna looks like Skeletor

Whew some people need to get a life and stop cussing others out on twitter. Your self esteem issues are really showing!

The doughnuts I just had were better than sex. I think.

38yr old stalker woman in my class had signed my name on class roll for me when it got to my table. Out of control creepy

I'm pretty sure I just saw a man with a third nipple. That or it was the largest skin tag I've ever seen.

What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce? Nothing cause somebody is losing a trailer! Bahahaha

I'm getting really good at these 10 minute "second winds" in between my micro naps.

I just accidentally ate the fortune in my fortune cookie. "Experience comes from mistakes"

The 12yo asked me today if my personality is messy like my car. Whomp whomp