“Zipcars scare the shit out of me. You know what your Zipcar says to me? ‘I haven’t driven in six months. Where’s the Ikea?’” - @kellydeal

America, we can agree on 2 things: our genuine desire to see all our athletes do well & our universal hatred of Bob Costas. #olympicceremony

Clinton comes out for an encore, brings saxophone, plays solo from “Careless Whisper.”

I HAVE AN IMPORTANT OPINION THAT I WANT REAFFIRMED BY MY SELF-SELECTED PEER GROUP.

Yoko Ono will live long enough so she can stand over Paul McCartney’s dying body and whisper, “I win.”

DNC line-up announced: Bill Clinton talking for 3 days ending with Obama announcing Justin Timberlake’s surprise new album and a mic drop.

Seriously considering starting a blog called "Pictures of People Asleep on the Train Holding a Copy of 'The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo'."

OH on the bus: "It's bullshit my mom charges me $150 a month for rent. Besides, I'm 42 years old. I have to save for retirement."

A man with a Star•Tac phone touched my arm & asked if my name was Michael. I feel like I'm at the beginning of the shittiest spy movie ever.

OH SHIT, CLINTON IS BREAKING DOWN THE ISSUES LIKE A TEDDY PENDERGRASS SONG.

Just spoke to someone who gave me their Gmail address but pronounced it as "Jamal dot com". This is how I'm pronouncing Gmail from now on.

NOT ENOUGH TALK ABOUT BUTTS.

Changed my title at work to "Sadness Wrangler." Instead of a pay raise, I turned over a vending machine and stole all of the Fiber One bars.

.@kellydeal: “WE ARE A NO AEROSMITH HOUSEHOLD. NOT EVEN DREAM ON.”

Nothing tells you that people are over this week like seeing someone open a Foster beer can on the commuter train at 7:45am.

Jeremy just wanted to get his parents off his back about finding a job when graduated. Now he has to sit through this.

You know it’s the first day the pool is open because @kellydeal treats it like a sport’s opening day: a lot of fist pumping and Jock Jams.

In re: to going to an NBA game, @kellydeal: "Does it really start at 7:30 or is there like an opening band or something?"

I'm thinking of taking boxing lessons so I have a place to go that's slightly more appropriate when wearing satin shorts and crying.

Grate beef jerky and use it in place of artisanal sea salt when preparing your meals.