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Justin Bieber featuring Nicki Minaj- now there's a tour plane no one would care about if it crashed.
I put my xmen uniform on just like everyone else- one leg at a time.
Funny new trend at the office. People are putting names on food in the break room fridge. Today I had a fruit salad named Sam.
License plate cover I saw this morning: "My other ride is your daughter"
If I'm nodding while you are talking I'm not listening, I'm actually thinking about more important things like my instant queue on netflix.
Shady looking guy: "hey what's your name?" Me: "tampon" works every time.
I think I left my motivation back in the bedroom.
I come up with the best tweets at night, and forget them by the time I wake up.
I hate seeing people running at work, it makes them look like they stole something and I have to quickly inventory my office supplies.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB, I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house,but I'm sure you already know.Have a great time!
I always thought the tramp stamp with three stars meant you were a porn star but I just found out she's an angry birds star.
You're doing a lot of talking when you should be doing a lot more shutting the fuck up.
Come on LAYS, really? Spicy catchup... You are really ruining your street cred.
Yelling your joke doesn't magically make it funny.
Finding Dory?! Fuck yeah, count me in!
When life gives me lemons I'm just going to slice them up into wedges and put them in vodka tonics.
Went for a run but came back after two minutes because I forgot something.... That I'm out of shape and can't run more than two minutes.
"So that pervert buys you "Grass" and then you let him play with your nipples?" -Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
I am fluent in sarcasm. If I made $1Mil a year I would make it a habit to buy everything I see in sky mall. I'm also on tumblr: badwolfinthemindpalace.tumblr
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