@luckyshirt's most faved Tweets...
I wrote the book on ADD.
Actually, it was one sentence and a drawing of a robot eating a castle made of muffins.
Actually, it was one sentence and a drawing of a robot eating a castle made of muffins.
This may be the wine talking, but I'm an alcoholic beverage typically made of fermented grape juice.
Every time the person ahead of me at the supermarket checkout pulls out a checkbook, I fight the urge to shoot them with a musket.
Close your eyes and imagine a world without greed.
Keep them closed...
...you seriously have a VELCRO wallet?
Ok, plug your ears, too...
Keep them closed...
...you seriously have a VELCRO wallet?
Ok, plug your ears, too...
I want to open a restaurant called "Boom Nachos!" and bring people tostadas, not nachos.
They complain; I punch the tostada.
Boom. Nachos.
They complain; I punch the tostada.
Boom. Nachos.
Claiming a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
If you love something, set it free.
...unless you love a velociraptor.
Then you have some thinking to do, and I can't really help you.
...unless you love a velociraptor.
Then you have some thinking to do, and I can't really help you.
You may not know this about me, but I can kill a man with a paperclip.
And by "a man", I mean "my productivity".
Look, I made another S.
And by "a man", I mean "my productivity".
Look, I made another S.
All I learned from geometry was how to cut a pizza into equally sized slices.
...which makes it the most important class I've ever taken.
...which makes it the most important class I've ever taken.
No matter what you ever do or accomplish, you will never be as interesting as the back of a cereal box is to someone who is eating cereal.
Telling kids "it's just the wind" would probably work better if we never sang to them about fatal wind-related treetop cradle accidents.
Imagine if we lived in a world where instead of saying "God Bless You" after you sneeze, people said "Unicorn kiss!" and poked your stomach.
I put some beans and cheese in a tortilla, and it told me my mother still wishes I was born a girl.
Man, I make a mean burrito.
Man, I make a mean burrito.
As far as I can tell, the only difference between pop and r&b artists today is the number of times they ask if you know what they're saying.
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