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Florida is basically a Stephen King novel.
Nothing says "I don't know anything about your life anymore" like sending a family member a Hickory Farms Gift Basket for Christmas.
At this moment I'm hella on drugs and working at the cheesecake factory. There are more like me out there. Help us.
They said they'd all been best friends since high school, but then they asked me for seven separate checks and I knew the truth.
I'm fucking terrified of Virginia Woolf.
Car who just saw me smoking a joint in my all white cheesecake factory uniform at 3rd/fairfax: honk of solidarity, or are you mocking me?
clap your hands say meh
About to eat at a Cheesecake Factory, because the world is someone else's oyster.
LOVING all these zingers by people on Twitter who will never write, direct, produce or star in anything.
What doesn't kill you can still psychologically ruin you for the rest of your life.
Guy on this bus that doesn't speak English is showing me a slideshow on his iPad of pictures from his trip to Hooters.
I said "keep it going for yourselves," and the CROWD. WENT. WILD.
If the movie Clerks was made today, it would just be a guy who works at 7-11 talking to a Redbox kiosk.
I hate how my voice sounds on tape, as well as everything else about myself.
I'm not lactose intolerant, but it is really starting to piss me off.
The sun needs to chill the fuck out.
Neither intelligent design nor evolution can explain to me how some people don't like the "taste" of water.
Lots of great Twitter jokes scrolling across the screen right now but the funniest joke of all is our country's political process ;)
You "alt" and "club" comics know we're all actually open mic'ers, right?