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Nothing says "I don't know anything about your life anymore" like sending a family member a Hickory Farms Gift Basket for Christmas.
At this moment I'm hella on drugs and working at the cheesecake factory. There are more like me out there. Help us.
They said they'd all been best friends since high school, but then they asked me for seven separate checks and I knew the truth.
I'm fucking terrified of Virginia Woolf.
Car who just saw me smoking a joint in my all white cheesecake factory uniform at 3rd/fairfax: honk of solidarity, or are you mocking me?
clap your hands say meh
My Lyft driver just admitted to being in a loveless marriage and then quickly moved on to the next topic. I'll give him 5 stars.
Has somebody out there already gotten a full chest tattoo of a tuxedo t-shirt or do I have to do everything myself?
What the Hulk doesn't seem to understand is that I don't like anyone when they're angry.
About to eat at a Cheesecake Factory, because the world is someone else's oyster.
LOVING all these zingers by people on Twitter who will never write, direct, produce or star in anything.
What doesn't kill you can still psychologically ruin you for the rest of your life.
Guy on this bus that doesn't speak English is showing me a slideshow on his iPad of pictures from his trip to Hooters.
I said "keep it going for yourselves," and the CROWD. WENT. WILD.
If the movie Clerks was made today, it would just be a guy who works at 7-11 talking to a Redbox kiosk.
I hate how my voice sounds on tape, as well as everything else about myself.
I'm not lactose intolerant, but it is really starting to piss me off.
For entertainment purposes only ;)
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