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My girlfriend told me she is getting off the pill because it's making her fat.
How many was she fucking eating?
Apparently, baby powder + water does not make a baby.
School is like a boner.
It's long and hard, unless you're Asian.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Don't you hate when you're in a forest without a shirt and Abercrombie takes a picture of you?
Thank you for these noodles I'm about to eat.
My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair.
She'll come crawling back soon.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
This coffee is so black it just sold me drugs.
My ex is living proof of how stupid I can be.
My Twitter account is like my penis. I'm proud of it, but I can't show it to my family.
If your girlfriend left you for someone else, don't be childish and unfriend her on Facebook.
Burn her motherfucking house down.
Bought an iPhone, Steve Jobs died.
Bought a Blackberry, BBM died.
I think I'll buy a Justin Bieber album next.
Pregnant teen: "FUCKK!! My mom is gonna kill me!"
Fetus: "FUCKK!! My mom is gonna kill me!"
It's been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver :(
Twitter is an Egosystem.
Having a son means worrying about one penis.
Having a daughter means worrying about every penis.
I bet Chinese kids get pissed when they get a Happy Meal toy they made.
Twitter: Where famous people make fools of themselves and fools become famous.
All I want is someone who'll sit in a park bench with me so we can judge people together.
[Inserts witty description of self. Fails miserably] @Snarkaphile is my twin brother. IG: OhhLuiss