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My girlfriend told me she is getting off the pill because it's making her fat.
How many was she fucking eating?
Apparently, baby powder + water does not make a baby.
School is like a boner.
It's long and hard, unless you're Asian.
Don't you hate when you're in a forest without a shirt and Abercrombie takes a picture of you?
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair.
She'll come crawling back soon.
Thank you for these noodles I'm about to eat.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
This coffee is so black it just sold me drugs.
My Twitter account is like my penis. I'm proud of it, but I can't show it to my family.
My ex is living proof of how stupid I can be.
If your girlfriend left you for someone else, don't be childish and unfriend her on Facebook.
Burn her motherfucking house down.
Bought an iPhone, Steve Jobs died.
Bought a Blackberry, BBM died.
I think I'll buy a Justin Bieber album next.
It's been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver :(
Twitter is an Egosystem.
Having a son means worrying about one penis.
Having a daughter means worrying about every penis.
I bet Chinese kids get pissed when they get a Happy Meal toy they made.
Twitter: Where famous people make fools of themselves and fools become famous.
I just bought a can of tuna that expires in 2018, so its safe to say the Mayans were wrong.
All I want is someone who'll sit in a park bench with me so we can judge people together.
[Inserts witty description of self. Fails miserably] @Snarkaphile is my twin brother. IG: OhhLuiss