My girlfriend told me she is getting off the pill because it's making her fat.

How many was she fucking eating?

Apparently, baby powder + water does not make a baby.

School is like a boner.

It's long and hard, unless you're Asian.

Don't you hate when you're in a forest without a shirt and Abercrombie takes a picture of you?

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair.

She'll come crawling back soon.

Dear God,

Thank you for these noodles I'm about to eat.

Ramen.

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

This coffee is so black it just sold me drugs.

My Twitter account is like my penis. I'm proud of it, but I can't show it to my family.

My ex is living proof of how stupid I can be.

If your girlfriend left you for someone else, don't be childish and unfriend her on Facebook.

Burn her motherfucking house down.

Bought an iPhone, Steve Jobs died.
Bought a Blackberry, BBM died.
I think I'll buy a Justin Bieber album next.

It's been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver :(

Twitter is an Egosystem.

Having a son means worrying about one penis.

Having a daughter means worrying about every penis.

I bet Chinese kids get pissed when they get a Happy Meal toy they made.

Twitter: Where famous people make fools of themselves and fools become famous.

I just bought a can of tuna that expires in 2018, so its safe to say the Mayans were wrong.

All I want is someone who'll sit in a park bench with me so we can judge people together.