@lukeinvan's (Luke in Vancouver) most faved Tweets...
This guy on the elevator is holding the door open just to make this ample breasted lady run. What a jerk. Now he's tweeting about it.
My wife packed me soy-cheese vegetarian lasagna for lunch today so tonight, while she is at work, I am packing her belongings.
I can understand why many people don't put up Christmas lights. They are just busy during the holidays.
BUSY WORSHIPPING SATAN
BUSY WORSHIPPING SATAN
Best thing about having tinted windows in our van is the fact I can leave the kids safely strapped in while I go to the bar...ocery store.
When I drove a jetta, I used to wave at other jetta drivers. Nowadays, in my mini-van, I do that pretend gun in my mouth thing.
So I killed my son's imaginary friend tonight by sitting on him. Now my son is trying to stab me. Its all very cute and weird and scary.
My sons said they are done trick or treating like this is some fuckin union job where the workers choose when they go home.
Me: "if you don't eat your dinner I'm telling Santa."
Son: "keep feeding me this crap and I'm telling Child Services."
Son: "keep feeding me this crap and I'm telling Child Services."
My wife and kids are getting the H1N1 vaccine so I'm out picking up shotgun shells in case they "turn".
The only way our office coffee could be any more disgusting is if it was being spit into my mouth by a hobo.
I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar.
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don't actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
Made a baby girl named Ella. Actually my wife made a baby, I just lied about pulling out 9 months ago. My work ended that night.
My sons pants' zipper was stuck open in the middle of the mall. While I was kneeling trying to fix it, he started screaming "STRANGER!"
I sent my son to school today wearing a wicked sweet howling wolf shirt.
I also packed a condom in his bag, just in case.
I also packed a condom in his bag, just in case.
6yr old: "MOM, DAD GAVE US ICE CREAM FOR DINNER"
Wife: "That's the last time he's in charge of supper"
2yr old: "aww shit"
Wife: "That's the last time he's in charge of supper"
2yr old: "aww shit"
I hate it when I message something funny to a coworker sitting 3 feet away from me and they type "LOL" but I see no laughing. Fuckin liar.
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