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You had me at knife point.
Attractive person: hey.
Me: who paid you
9 out of 11 Twin Tower jokes are in bad taste.
I had sex with an old man at his house last night.
April Fools! It was at his car.
I'm babysittting my nephew today
and by babysitting i mean locking him in a closet.
I'm not calling her a whore,all I'm saying is I wish my exams were as easy as her
I'm really good at ignoring men
if anyone's looking for a faithful housewife
Carly Rae Jepsen, I'm beginning to think you actually want this guy to call you
After watching all the available seasons of Gossip Girl, Netflix just suggested I go die.
"I FREAKING LOVE SNOW!" - people who DON'T have to shovel.
hey, does anyone want to play that drinking game where we all give each others social security #s?
I would slap you, but I don't wanna get slut all over my hands.
"got punched by my boyfriend -but it was TOTALLY my fault"
what?! im not drunk i always goose people when i first meet them.
God created the neighbors WiFi.
The Devil his password.
just realized my boobs were out but that's ok cause i'm a college student.
I'll just give this plastic bag to my nephew to play with while i take a nap !
the worst time to have a heart attack is during charades especially if your teammates are really bad guessers
My mind is a whore, but my body is not.
When people think I'm asian I take it as a compliment cause at least they think I'll go far in life or that I'm a classy pole dancer.
20. creative type. mediocre comedian. (if you know me in real life i apologize)