You had me at knife point.

Attractive person: hey.



Me: who paid you

9 out of 11 Twin Tower jokes are in bad taste.

I had sex with an old man at his house last night.



April Fools! It was at his car.

I'm babysittting my nephew today
and by babysitting i mean locking him in a closet.

I'm not calling her a whore,all I'm saying is I wish my exams were as easy as her

I'm really good at ignoring men
if anyone's looking for a faithful housewife

Carly Rae Jepsen, I'm beginning to think you actually want this guy to call you

After watching all the available seasons of Gossip Girl, Netflix just suggested I go die.

"I FREAKING LOVE SNOW!" - people who DON'T have to shovel.

hey, does anyone want to play that drinking game where we all give each others social security #s?

I would slap you, but I don't wanna get slut all over my hands.

"got punched by my boyfriend -but it was TOTALLY my fault"

what?! im not drunk i always goose people when i first meet them.

God created the neighbors WiFi.
The Devil his password.

just realized my boobs were out but that's ok cause i'm a college student.

I'll just give this plastic bag to my nephew to play with while i take a nap !

the worst time to have a heart attack is during charades especially if your teammates are really bad guessers

My mind is a whore, but my body is not.

When people think I'm asian I take it as a compliment cause at least they think I'll go far in life or that I'm a classy pole dancer.