Kinda weird that you can't tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

Man, I sure could go for one of those sandwiches that fat men in movies make in the middle of the night.

Before Twitter I used to just re-read the bottom of a Kleenex box while I took a dump.

I don't understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn't name their baby 'BeJay'.

Got some color at the pool today. His name was Darnell.

If someone doesn't realize their blinker is still on after one minute their car should explode.

I sure hope this guy who's coming over to buy my old sex swing off Craiglist isn't a weirdo.

Dear bowl that keeps coming out of the dishwasher dirty: if you think I'm gonna caress you with a sponge, you're wrong. Back in, bitch.

If you clap at the end of a movie let's never talk.

I still run up the basement stairs at top speed so some psycho doesn't throw a hatchet in my back.

LADIES: Want to feel sexy and confident? Get drunk.

Either my deodorant doesn't work, or I bought burrito scented.

Of course a man and a woman can "just be friends". So long as one of you is ugly, that is.

My kid heard me unwrapping a tampon and asked if I was eating candy in the bathroom.

The best part of marriage is sex anytime you want. (unless you're a man)

"Why are you opening presents in the bathroom?" - my kid upon hearing me unwrap a tampon

I'd imagine getting out of a nice hot shower in a cold room is what "pulling out" might feel like.

Hate the prayer, not the game.

Not feeling great about how much scrolling down I have to do to get to my birth year.

Can't wait 'til I'm old enough to pretend I can't hear.