Organic beef is just like regular beef except that it probably drove a Prius.

So tired of dropping it like it's hot. Now I'm setting it down like it's lukewarm.

It's crazy how many arguments can be stopped by suddenly sitting on your boyfriend's face.

People who like to say "there's nothing to fear but fear itself" obviously don't think about getting fucked by porcupines much.

Just learned that you can blow your mom's mind by saying "pictures or it didn't happen" when she talks about how you were conceived.

We've secretly replaced this hipster's single-drip iced coffee with Ecstasy-laced horse urine. Let's see if he notices.

Got tired of saying "let's think outside the box" so now I say "let's reverse cowgirl this" and now coworkers want to have drinks with me

Every time you say "chillaxing" another college freshman gets his first soul patch.

Challenge of the morning: explaining to my niece why she can't use my ex's cockring as a hair scrunchie.

On Facebook, if you dare talk about getting porked then you're banished to Whore Island. I'm pretty sure Twitter is French for Whore Island.

If god thinks Ecstasy is wrong why is the chemist smart enough to make high-grade shit and this house music is so good and OH TOUCH MY HAIR!

I'm not married but sometimes I wear a wedding ring so people know I'm committed to irrational compromises and pure madness

Ran my tweets through the auto-summarize feature on Word. This came out: "I like booze, I talk slutty but I'm not a slut, I need a hug."

Please don't ever mistake me for someone who knows what the fuck she's doing. Thank you.

If you're not losing Twitter followers now and then you're doing something wrong.

"I'd totally tap that!" -- syrup farmer walking through a maple tree grove

It's best to wear sunglasses while on the toilet. If you're dropping a deuce and paparazzi bust through the door, you want to look cool.

In high school I loved Morrissey. So I chased sexy, gay, vegetarian, celibate narcissistic guys. Update? Still doing the same. So consistent

I keep waiting for the intervention where a group of people pulls me into a big room and tells me how awesome I am

I'm rarely available for a pity party, but I'll gladly clear the schedule for a pity kegger.