Being half a person isn't so bad. I have less to offer and less for someone else to hurt.

I used to be bitter about my childhood but the older I get I realize how blessed I've been. Some kids don't make it out. Hug your kids.

Sitting in the Walmart parking lot throwing General Tso's Chicken at fat people to see if they flock to it like seagulls.

If I could make this thing sound like a Wookie I'd never shave again.

So Winston Churchill wasn't one of our presidents?

Me me me me me me me me

-you

Going through the McDonalds drive thru topless ordering Happy Meals is my favorite pastime.

I'm trying to keep a straight face while asking the clerk at the food store where the tea bag isle is. He is obviously more mature than me.

So people with UK in their bio don't go to the University of Kentucky? I was wondering when Kentucky got a queen!

It doesn't even look like a beaver.

I see you are all still alive. So much for that wishing bullshit.

Women are not supposed to have shit stains..

Whoever signed me up to receive emails from "crocs"... Fuck you.

250 dollars for hotel room
3 dollars for bathtub finger paint
Seeing the housekeepers face....
PRICELESS! http://t.co/mspKowai

When I die I really hope that as a ghost I can travel and not be stuck in one place. I have people to scare and some I want to see naked.

I'm a woman. I have a super power of fucking up your hopes and dreams while smiling.

I get to work on time. I just sit in my car until I'm late.

I sometimes wish I knew what was going on.

Being adopted at 6 was traumatizing but walking in on my brother fucking my stuffed animal has damage me for life.

At my kids Cheerleading Ceremony..well they are in the banquet room and I'm at the bar. This wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.