If you're nice to an animal, it loves you for life. If you're nice to a person, who the fuck knows what's gonna happen.

Twitter: Where a bunch of crazy people tell other crazy people not to worry about being crazy.

Before you ask why someone hates you, ask yourself why you give a fuck what they think.

Happiness is liking who you get to fuck.

Success is getting to fuck who you want.

I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and twitter.

If you see someone you want to fuck, rush into it as fast as you can before you find out what a horrible psychological mess they are.

Losers make their girlfriend jealous of other women. Real men make other women jealous of their girlfriend.

I'm a super cunt. It's like a regular cunt, but with a cape.

Every once in a while be nice to the people that actually love you, not just to the people that you wished loved you.

If you love someone, never set them free. Lock them up and love them weird enough until they get Stockholm Syndrome and love you back.

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

There is no greater feeling than having someone find you sexy for just being yourself.

Some days my brain just gives up and looks at my boobs and says, "It's all up to you guys! You're gonna have to pull us through today!"

The only problem when you love giving blowjobs is you forget how to eat a Popsicle like a normal fucking human being.

Cure depression by not dwelling in the past.

Cure anxiety by not worrying about the future.

Is the object of the game of Twitter to say every last crazy manic thought that comes into your brain as fast as possible in case you die?

Nothing makes me go from zero to Charles Manson faster than someone touching my phone.

I never take advice from married people because they're obviously retarded.

I don't give a fuck who hates who on Twitter any more. If you're on Twitter, we're friends.

Being on Twitter is the most interesting path one can take that goes absolutely nowhere.