Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

It's bullshit that we don't send babies to space

Yo why would you start a war on drugs, everyone knows drugs r crazy and if u fight em they don't fight fair cause they're on drugs

There has to be a better word for horny than horny.

I heard you like the Dixie Chicks & I was curious if it's ironic or sincere & if you can tell the difference & if anything matters ever?

Ever fucked an abacus? Doing research for my book, "What Have You Fucked?", Chapter 68 - Counting Devices.

Fun Fall Sex Tip: Titillate your partner with a thrilling ghost story while tickling their balls with some fall foliage! Then fuck, I guess?

If you don't count your chickens before they hatch, YOU, my friend, are running a VERY poorly managed farm

Well well, if it isn't the person reading this tweet

Ahhahaha you sucked yr mom's boobs

RIP Schrödinger's cat, ??/??/???? - ??/??/????

I get worried when unfunny people retweet me

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Following someone on Twitter without expecting a follow-back is the purest, most unselfish form of love there is.

Saving up to have my feelings removed

Wait, come back, I'll be funnier!

Did you know: every nice thing everyone has ever said to you was sarcastic?

I just wrote fan fic about my mom and dad being very much in love!!!!!!!!!!

Once I got mugged and mumbled "no, thank you" and ran away. #real

Woman on the street in a jean jacket (into her cell phone): "I'm wearing a jean jacket!"