Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
RIP Schrödinger's cat, ??/??/???? - ??/??/????
It's bullshit that we don't send babies to space
Yo why would you start a war on drugs, everyone knows drugs r crazy and if u fight em they don't fight fair cause they're on drugs
Hey, exes, when I said "Best of luck in the future," I meant like, the far-off abstract future. I hope you are still worse off than me soon.
In 8th grade, an older guy asked me to make orgasm noises on the phone with him while he yelled, "Unngh! I'm fuckin' my own fuckin' bed!"
There has to be a better word for horny than horny.
I get worried when unfunny people retweet me
My brother was traumatized in kindergarten by seeing a classmate lean over and kiss the teacher's buttocks with no one else noticing
Well well, if it isn't the person reading this tweet
Ever fucked an abacus? Doing research for my book, "What Have You Fucked?", Chapter 68 - Counting Devices.
Saving up to have my feelings removed
If you don't count your chickens before they hatch, YOU, my friend, are running a VERY poorly managed farm
I heard you like the Dixie Chicks & I was curious if it's ironic or sincere & if you can tell the difference & if anything matters ever?
Ahhahaha you sucked yr mom's boobs
Who died and made YOU sad?
Fun Fall Sex Tip: Titillate your partner with a thrilling ghost story while tickling their balls with some fall foliage! Then fuck, I guess?
It's kinda lifeist to only wish RIP to dead people
Guy texted me asking me to sexually humiliate him. I said no, so I guess he got what he wanted?
Comedian, writer, comedy writer, singer, music comedy writer comedy comedy comedy comedy book me by contacting someone else http://whydyouunfollowme.tumblr.com