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What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
No, it's a $100 dollar bill
Guys if a girl asks you if her makeup looks good, don't say "it just looks like you're wearing a lot".
Ever get asked to blow into a breathalyzer when you're sitting in the backseat of a car? I did.. & I'm not in jail. Happy St. Patrick's Day
I love you filthy heathens
5 minutes after telling myself I'm going to eat healthier, I am at the McDonalds drive-thru for some fucking french fries. I can't beat me.
Getting out of bed but only for a donut.
My idea of exercise is ordering my sandwich on whole wheat versus white bread.
I maxed out on my emails per day limit for the day which automatically puts me right at the top of the most annoy personnel list.
If you guys were ever wondering how useful DHS/ICE is, I just saw them tape a Cadillac symbol to the front of a metal cart. That's all.
Starring a tweet has nothing to do with my opinion about the said subject, only a confirmation of how you are in fact a lunatic. I love you
You win again, alcohol.
I always forget to thank my parents for not naming me that one stripper name. Life could have been a lot different... In like a bad way.
Date night with my sister 🍸🍸
Coffee, you've never forsaken me.
I think I'd really enjoy breaking bread with some of you lunatics
You could pass for a toilet
at the very least use then and than correctly
nothing makes me feel more like a troll quite like a Michael Bay directed VS commercial #floormeetmyjaw
Just witnessed a failed attempt at buying alcohol by girls wearing torn jean shorts, uggs and sparkle eyeshadow... At least they tried?