extra virgin olive oil makes any other oil sound like just a filthy whore.

never underestimate a strong woman. you have no idea what forged that strength or what she will do to keep it...

the only walk of shame i've ever done is away from the fridge at 3am...

On no, your twitter crush is flirting with another? Who would have thought that could happen at a classy place like this?

'whatever does not kill us makes us stronger.'-bacteria

i found a skeleton key and unlocked the mystery of the universe. or maybe i just found a pill on the floor and took it.

just once i'd like someone to send me a giant bouquet of pharmaceuticals.

actions speak louder than words but sometimes inactions speak the loudest.

teach a man to fish and he'll still just try and sleep with you.

i'm so glad my neighbors are moving...he has a fake tan and she only has a master's degree...i don't want my kids around that.

fun fact: when wearing a bikini only another woman will tell you when your boob falls out...

Hey locked accounts...this is twitter not a Nancy Drew mystery.

it takes getting a little older to realize your mother (the one you swore you'd never be like) is actually an amazing woman.

good things come to those who set bait...

the meek may inherit the earth but don't worry, we can totally wrestle it away from them...

if you have to tell people you're a good christian you're doing something wrong.

it's incredible how exposing your scars to just the right person helps change them from scars to perfectly lovely imperfections.

And in an instant, life changes.

wow, all of you look so handsome today...what time do you have to be at court?

i'm starting to think that stockholm syndrome is the best way to describe my relationship with twitter.