Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

Maybe I'm the good kind of fat like an avocado.

I like the way you jerk it. No dignity.

If the game Frogger was more realistic, those cars would be furiously trying to avoid the giant frog that occupies an entire lane.

Raggedy Anne Frank #DepressingToys

Sometimes I think I'm pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.

Just did that thing when you're walking next to a homeless man and you hold hands for a second to see if he'd make a good father.

Does the five second rule apply to this 70 year old woman that just fell down on the sidewalk?

To the window, to the wall, to the sweat drop down my balls, this is a weird episode of Dora the Explorer.

Shakira would have the most beautiful seizure.

I want Linkin Park to play at my funeral because in the end it doesn't even matter.

Sex is all about the correct ratio of crust to sauce to cheese.

"Who the fuck cares?"- Meeting about the design of Japan's flag.

The doctor from "No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" is undoubtedly the worst doctor of all time.

I think the plural of moose is "woah, more than one moose."

My dream threesome is with Uncle Sam and Abraham Lincoln because I want my baby to come out fully bearded with a sick hat.

Hey, we're just 4 adults and a talking dog in a windowless van called the "Mystery Machine" but you should trust us.

"Are you moving to be closer to your family?"-people who don't understand how moving works

cheetos are basically bronzer for your fingers

I can't believe we've all just accepted that paper beats rock.