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This woman sat right next to me when the rest of this bus is empty so I guess we'll watch porn in my phone together.
I wish all of you worked with me. We'd have so much fun til we all got fired.
Hi Boss? Yeah, I can't come in today because all of my clothes are uncomfortable.
Son: Will you please just try to act normal today?
Me: You're going to have to be more specific.
I wish I knew how normal feels just to gauge how far I am from it.
If a woman ever tells you her greatest sexual fantasy, the right response is never 'You pervert!'
I don't want to try to be perfect for you. I want you to love me anyway.
Dude! I recognize that cologne. Alcoholique?
I'm pretty sure I just had what everyone calls a panic attack.
I just call it 'life'.
I am the 7th child of an alcoholic father and a narcoleptic mother. Twitter was inevitable for me.
* applying the fuck it send philosophy to the rest of my life
My addiction counselor said I have to be off twitter for 30 days before it can be called recovery. I made it 9!
I'm pretty sure the cable guys outside saw me completely naked through the window.
Or at least that's what I'm hoping anyway.
Note to self: If you can't figure out what the avi is, do not enlarge it! I repeat, do not enlarge it!
When is this neighbor kid going to leave so that I can stop pretending to be a normal nice mom???
My son asked me if I could spend the next hour in my bedroom while he and his friend hang out and watch football.
*sent from my bedroom*
Went to a party. Had one glass of wine. Discussed price index formulas. Drove the host's mother home.
Parties in my 40s suck.
The bad thing about mornings is all the light.
OMG. The voices in my head are gone! --me the morning after I killed my old twitter account.
Throwing a tampon at a male coworker's face IS considered sexual harassment. FYI.
Coffee, wine, repeat. Neurotic mom to a 13 year old son. 47 yo. Maddyalou on IG