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This woman sat right next to me when the rest of this bus is empty so I guess we'll watch porn in my phone together.
I wish all of you worked with me. We'd have so much fun til we all got fired.
Hi Boss? Yeah, I can't come in today because all of my clothes are uncomfortable.
Son: Will you please just try to act normal today?
Me: You're going to have to be more specific.
I wish I knew how normal feels just to gauge how far I am from it.
Dude! I recognize that cologne. Alcoholique?
If a woman ever tells you her greatest sexual fantasy, the right response is never 'You pervert!'
I don't want to try to be perfect for you. I want you to love me anyway.
I'm pretty sure I just had what everyone calls a panic attack.
I just call it 'life'.
*tries to take bathroom selfie
*cleans bathroom instead
* applying the fuck it send philosophy to the rest of my life
I am the 7th child of an alcoholic father and a narcoleptic mother. Twitter was inevitable for me.
I'm pretty sure the cable guys outside saw me completely naked through the window.
Or at least that's what I'm hoping anyway.
My addiction counselor said I have to be off twitter for 30 days before it can be called recovery. I made it 9!
Note to self: If you can't figure out what the avi is, do not enlarge it! I repeat, do not enlarge it!
When is this neighbor kid going to leave so that I can stop pretending to be a normal nice mom???
The bad thing about mornings is all the light.
My son asked me if I could spend the next hour in my bedroom while he and his friend hang out and watch football.
*sent from my bedroom*
Went to a party. Had one glass of wine. Discussed price index formulas. Drove the host's mother home.
Parties in my 40s suck.
Throwing a tampon at a male coworker's face IS considered sexual harassment. FYI.
Coffee, wine, repeat. 47 yo. Maddyalou on IG. Frederick Tweetup 3: http://twtvite.com/FrederickTweetupPartIII