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This woman sat right next to me when the rest of this bus is empty so I guess we'll watch porn in my phone together.
I wish all of you worked with me. We'd have so much fun til we all got fired.
Hi Boss? Yeah, I can't come in today because all of my clothes are uncomfortable.
Son: Will you please just try to act normal today?
Me: You're going to have to be more specific.
I wish I knew how normal feels just to gauge how far I am from it.
I don't want to try to be perfect for you. I want you to love me anyway.
If a woman ever tells you her greatest sexual fantasy, the right response is never 'You pervert!'
I'm pretty sure I just had what everyone calls a panic attack.
I just call it 'life'.
I am the 7th child of an alcoholic father and a narcoleptic mother. Twitter was inevitable for me.
* applying the fuck it send philosophy to the rest of my life
Dude! I recognize that cologne. Alcoholique?
My addiction counselor said I have to be off twitter for 30 days before it can be called recovery. I made it 9!
I'm pretty sure the cable guys outside saw me completely naked through the window.
Or at least that's what I'm hoping anyway.
Note to self: If you can't figure out what the avi is, do not enlarge it! I repeat, do not enlarge it!
When is this neighbor kid going to leave so that I can stop pretending to be a normal nice mom???
My son asked me if I could spend the next hour in my bedroom while he and his friend hang out and watch football.
*sent from my bedroom*
Went to a party. Had one glass of wine. Discussed price index formulas. Drove the host's mother home.
Parties in my 40s suck.
OMG. The voices in my head are gone! --me the morning after I killed my old twitter account.
The bad thing about mornings is all the light.
Throwing a tampon at a male coworker's face IS considered sexual harassment. FYI.
Coffee, wine, repeat. Neurotic mom to a 13 year old son. 47 yo. Maddyalou on IG