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This woman sat right next to me when the rest of this bus is empty so I guess we'll watch porn in my phone together.
Hi Boss? Yeah, I can't come in today because all of my clothes are uncomfortable.
I wish all of you worked with me. We'd have so much fun til we all got fired.
Son: Will you please just try to act normal today?
Me: You're going to have to be more specific.
I wish I knew how normal feels just to gauge how far I am from it.
Dude! I recognize that cologne. Alcoholique?
*tries to take bathroom selfie
*cleans bathroom instead
I'm pretty sure I just had what everyone calls a panic attack.
I just call it 'life'.
I don't want to try to be perfect for you. I want you to love me anyway.
* applying the fuck it send philosophy to the rest of my life
I am the 7th child of an alcoholic father and a narcoleptic mother. Twitter was inevitable for me.
I'm pretty sure the cable guys outside saw me completely naked through the window.
Or at least that's what I'm hoping anyway.
When is this neighbor kid going to leave so that I can stop pretending to be a normal nice mom???
My addiction counselor said I have to be off twitter for 30 days before it can be called recovery. I made it 9!
Went to a party. Had one glass of wine. Discussed price index formulas. Drove the host's mother home.
Parties in my 40s suck.
The bad thing about mornings is all the light.
Throwing a tampon at a male coworker's face IS considered sexual harassment. FYI.
My son asked me if I could spend the next hour in my bedroom while he and his friend hang out and watch football.
*sent from my bedroom*
A paper shredder but for feelings.
OMG. The voices in my head are gone! --me the morning after I killed my old twitter account.