@madsimian's (Jonathan Broad) most faved Tweets...
Daughter's going for the gold in the whine-olympics. Good volume, pitch. Haven't seen a clingy-maneuver like that since '84. Overall: 9.6
Dinner w/ 4 year old devolves into Star Wars-ish dramatics:
"I am your father!"
"Noooo! I'll never listen to you!"
Sigh. Rebel scum.
"I am your father!"
"Noooo! I'll never listen to you!"
Sigh. Rebel scum.
14
Wearing a "No Uglys[sic] Allowed" t-shirt is embarassing enough. Wearing it to the same coffee shop two days in a row: that's klassy.
9
Heather Has Two Mommies, Three Daddies, And Someone Else Who Lives In The Basement. #failedchildrensbooktitles
8
I'm not so much losing a tooth as gaining an opportunity to practice resisting enhanced interrogation techniques.
7
Whatever John McCain says nowadays, my brain is like "But you picked Sarah Palin. Your argument is invalid."
7
Whenever I feel productive after writing a lot of emails, the ghost of some ancestor quickly steps in to punch me in my shame glands.
7
Relax everybody. If you aren't legally required to take certain medications, you've basically won at life. #loweryourexpectations
6
Watching my daughter 'exercise' on the kitchen floor gives me insight into why belief in demonic possession was once commonplace.
6
Quick: at what age does it become mandatory for liberal white men to wear fanny packs? I'm on the phone with my euthanasist.
6
So if you had to go cannibal, would it be better to eat vegans or chubby emo kids? It's sort of a "grass-fed organic beef" vs. "veal" thing.
5
You have to give a homeless guy holding up a sign saying 'I will fuck you for marijuana' some points for optimism.
5
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