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If Jesus had the Last Supper now, everyone would be tweeting on their phones. Except Judas, who can mysteriously afford an iPad
"I am a persecuted minority with no voice" writes man from the House of Lords on the front page of a national newspaper.
Fucked off with #NOTW and Murdoch but not cancelled your SKY subscription yet? 08442 410 266. You're welcome.
Louise Mensch to set up her own National Assembly called ParLouMensch* where it's loads better than the old one. (*not named after her)
"some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love..." "that's great, but what do you want me to write on your latte?"
Dear Barclays, I'd like to set my own interest rate on my accounts. According to the news this is OK now - is there a form I can fill in?
Start of Jaws: ~~~~\o/~~~^~~~
Jonny Ball is on Strictly? That man is almost completely responsible for me being a scientist and wanting to poke at the world.
It's not necessarily true that the #nhssavedmylife, but the #nhssavedmytesticles, and that's a relief for everyone,
"We explained that we were ITV sport, and they replaced the stone throwing with buckets of piss"
World Cup eve. I've put up the football tree and left a tasteless shirt out for Mark Lawrenson.
Don't worry Downton fans. Bates gets off and moves to America, opens a motel
"That was a beautiful goal" said Lawrenson "but compared to the fragile beauty of a dragonfly's gossamer wing, it makes life seem futile"
Dear HMRC. I'd like not to pay my tax for a bit, seeing as every other fucker seems to get away with it. I'm on PAYE, is there a form?
Scientician, cricketer, twat. Not as funny as I think I am. They've come to see me tweet, not you umpire
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