Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I wish bugs would explode in a puff of smoke when you sprayed them with Raid
If your apartment is hit by a dolphin,DO NOT GO OUTSIDE TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY, that's how a hurricane tricks you into coming outside
Bought new deodorant today. Instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom" I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely
Sometimes when the soap is down to a sliver, I slide it between my asscheeks like a credit card and go "beep beep!".
If you're gonna stroke my ego, its in my pants.
There's nothing worse than bartenders who've just stopped caring.
If you are having a mid life crisis, don't buy a red mustang convertable and blast out the classic rock station....that shit gives you away.
Detroit is doing so bad, Haiti is throwing them a benefit.
Unless you're fighting in the Colloseum, or a member of the imperial Roman army, gladiator sandals don't look good on you!
The only reason I smoke so much is it keeps my hands busy and away from my dick.
Lately, I've taken to biting my nails and spitting them across the room at people I don't like. I know its gross but I'm really enjoying it.
The feeling you get when you see a fat, ugly, white trash woman wearing a t-shirt that says "cutie"? That.
When you burp so hard, your vision gets all wavy? That.
The flash mob douchebag in the AT&T commercial should be kneecapped.
My damn laptop won't stop crashing. But then I realized I'm really drunk and this is just a pizza box!
Kid: Why is mommy crying?
Dad: BECAUSE YOURE AN ASSHOLE!