I wish bugs would explode in a puff of smoke when you sprayed them with Raid

If your apartment is hit by a dolphin,DO NOT GO OUTSIDE TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY, that's how a hurricane tricks you into coming outside

Bought new deodorant today. Instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom" I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely

If you're gonna stroke my ego, its in my pants.

There's nothing worse than bartenders who've just stopped caring.

If you are having a mid life crisis, don't buy a red mustang convertable and blast out the classic rock station....that shit gives you away.

Detroit is doing so bad, Haiti is throwing them a benefit.

Sometimes when the soap is down to a sliver, I slide it between my asscheeks like a credit card and go "beep beep!".

Unless you're fighting in the Colloseum, or a member of the imperial Roman army, gladiator sandals don't look good on you!

The only reason I smoke so much is it keeps my hands busy and away from my dick.

Lately, I've taken to biting my nails and spitting them across the room at people I don't like. I know its gross but I'm really enjoying it.

The feeling you get when you see a fat, ugly, white trash woman wearing a t-shirt that says "cutie"? That.

The flash mob douchebag in the AT&T commercial should be kneecapped.

#FF @brzowskimusic @crunkwitch @ordeal83 @moshstep @milledpavement @mcsole

"#FF @thinxx @lilzenmonster @packjournalism @dohiphop101 @hooligansoldier @sandeeey @kimbathehut @mcsole @bdolansfr @timeraps @snowman730"

#FF @justonejessica @gorrdano @hooligansoldier @brzowskimusic @moshstep @supahfans @crassmama @eric_bader @elmofuckface @fortweet_sake

My damn laptop won't stop crashing. But then I realized I'm really drunk and this is just a pizza box!

When you burp so hard, your vision gets all wavy? That.

Every time you kill a kitten, God masturbates...wait, that's not right.

Two Asian women in a 69 is called "Two Can Chew"