I have to learn to be less self-deprecating. That what I hate most about myself

My gynecologist told me I can’t have sex for two weeks. Fortunately my dentist said I’m good to go.

Enemies always make their intentions known prior to putting their gloves on while friends tend to blind-side you.

The only thing that should ever smell like Doritos is Doritos!

You know it’s love when they can make you cry.

My theory is that food consumed at the kitchen sink is calorie free

I suggest that if you need to smell it you should just wash it!

When you ask “How are you?” it’s conversation foreplay. If I respond “K” I’m not putting out.

They just discovered that the pill has been proven to be a libido killer. I'd like to meet the ass that had overlooked that detail.

apparently great minds retweet alike

I'm going to sleep only so I will stop eating.

Nobody knows me better than me and not even I wanted to spend any time with myself

Rather than admitting I am wrong. I think I will change my opinion.

These Crest strips taste like ass. Do they come in a different flavour?

I'm not satisfied till I see it coming out of your nose

You need me in your life because nobody else will remember your user name and password

That moment when you realize that the person you want to share the unintelligible tweets with is no longer there

Fine line between asking for forgiveness and wanting to brag to anyone that will listen

Is it possible that they are all camp counsellors?

Purport, proport, proportion it's all so confusing when you're drunk