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In the new version of Star Wars, Harrison Ford slowly flies the Millenium Falcon in the left lane with the turn signal on
What kind of drugs do I want? The kind that made Jethro Tull say,"you know what this song needs? A 15 minute flute solo."
"Musically,I was inspired by the fax machine." - Nicki Minaj
Rosetta Stone,but for Pearl Jam songs
Channing Tatum looks like the kinda guy who gets confused by how the light in a fridge works
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
"See that guy?,he can't get a boner."
"See her? fucking batshit crazy"
"This guy? makes meth"
- me as a pharmacist training a new employee
I'd pay good money to watch Kristen Stewart and Nicolas Cage on a date trying to sound out the kids menu at an Olive Garden
Fast and Furious 6 is just Vin Diesel and Paul Walker trying to find a parking spot at the mall on the last weekend before christmas
"My hobbies include staring at the sun through a telescope" - Renee Zellweger
Trying to name that third chick from Destinys Child is harder than doing quantum physics
I saw that Carlos Mencia was trending and my first thought was "Hopefully he died"
"Does this stuble hide my vagina?"- Ryan Seacrest
In any converstion with a vegetarian I always use the phrase "FUN FACT:Hitler was a vegan too...."and then we both sit in awkward silence
I hope the fucking Jehovah Witnesses never discover twitter
Relationship status: looking for someone to mock other people with
Instead of doing a porn tweet every 30 seconds for 2 hours,how about doing us a favour.Take 5 minutes to rub one out and take a fucking nap
I was just unfollowed by someone who posts their daily follow/unfollow stats.Are you fucking kidding me?
I bet Guy Fieri cooks the fuck outa rock cocaine
Me:"Its worth $60K"
Little Old Lady:"Really?!? Wow!"
Me:"No,not really,we're just fucking with you.haha"
"Punk'd, Antiques Roadshow Edition"