In the new version of Star Wars, Harrison Ford slowly flies the Millenium Falcon in the left lane with the turn signal on

What kind of drugs do I want? The kind that made Jethro Tull say,"you know what this song needs? A 15 minute flute solo."

"Musically,I was inspired by the fax machine." - Nicki Minaj

Rosetta Stone,but for Pearl Jam songs

Channing Tatum looks like the kinda guy who gets confused by how the light in a fridge works

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

"See that guy?,he can't get a boner."
"See her? fucking batshit crazy"
"This guy? makes meth"
- me as a pharmacist training a new employee

I'd pay good money to watch Kristen Stewart and Nicolas Cage on a date trying to sound out the kids menu at an Olive Garden

Fast and Furious 6 is just Vin Diesel and Paul Walker trying to find a parking spot at the mall on the last weekend before christmas

"My hobbies include staring at the sun through a telescope" - Renee Zellweger

Trying to name that third chick from Destinys Child is harder than doing quantum physics

I saw that Carlos Mencia was trending and my first thought was "Hopefully he died"

"Does this stuble hide my vagina?"- Ryan Seacrest

In any converstion with a vegetarian I always use the phrase "FUN FACT:Hitler was a vegan too...."and then we both sit in awkward silence

I hope the fucking Jehovah Witnesses never discover twitter

Relationship status: looking for someone to mock other people with

Instead of doing a porn tweet every 30 seconds for 2 hours,how about doing us a favour.Take 5 minutes to rub one out and take a fucking nap

I was just unfollowed by someone who posts their daily follow/unfollow stats.Are you fucking kidding me?

I bet Guy Fieri cooks the fuck outa rock cocaine

Me:"Its worth $60K"
Little Old Lady:"Really?!? Wow!"
Me:"No,not really,we're just fucking with you.haha"
"Punk'd, Antiques Roadshow Edition"