@mahalis' (Noah Witherspoon) most faved Tweets...
Have come to the awareness that I only eat tortilla chips to get salsa into my mouth. There must be a better way. Funnel? Some kind of pump?
The rug has a purple stain, there's something bright blue in the garbage, and I think I have a pubic hair in my mouth. We host good parties.
I'd like to point out that the Wikipedia article on defenestration has a section: "Notable defenestrations in history". I love the Internet.
Had lunch with friends who've been roommates for a while:
"I've never had sex in a car."
"I have. Your car."
"Yeah, I know. I was driving."
"I've never had sex in a car."
"I have. Your car."
"Yeah, I know. I was driving."
That's right, I emptied half of this yogurt cup without even picking up a spoon. Unrelated: sprained tongue, and has anyone seen my dignity?
One person exited the bus in a cloud of body odor; another entered in a miasm of body spray. I can't decide whether I should vomit or vomit.
Excuse me, ma'am, would you like to stop me and ask about the gash in my toe so I can bleed on your floor a little longer? You would? Great.
Saw a girl wearing an ironic Veggie Tales shirt. Or so I assume. I can't imagine there being such a thing as an unironic Veggie Tales shirt.
This conditioner kind of smells like rum. Each time I use it is like rubbing essence of Captain Jack Sparrow into my hair.
You know.
Again.
You know.
Again.
Am I the only guy on this campus who makes an effort to avoid conspicuously adjusting myself in public, or just the only one without an STD?
16
A guy in line with me has the thickest Southern accent I've heard outside of backwoods Tennessee. You could use that voice to fry things in.
16
Happy to have rediscovered that I can eat popcorn out of the palm of my hand, by catching it with my tongue like a gecko. Or a frog. Ladies.
16
Shouldn't "scamp" and "scamper" swap meanings, the latter being the noun form? And where does "scampi" fit in? Can it be made with scampers?
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This place is what "tacky" would be if you beat it brutally around the head with a wooden statue of a bear wrapped in an airbrushed T-shirt.
14
That last dream's philosophical-point-in-progress got obliterated by my alarm. Screw it, it was probably the one about oranges again anyway.
14
"That's the plan. If I don't get into med school, I'm moving to L.A., getting a boob job, and marrying rich." Ambition is a beautiful thing.
13
I fear I must confirm the rumors saying I am currently dancing to "Lady Marmalade". Give me a break, I haven't heard this song in ten years.
13
So I'm not watching where I walk and all I step in is -bird- poop? I'm sorry, Friday, but you're not even close to your bitch cousin Monday.
13
Working on a paper. Progress, so far: find notebook, write title, underline title, get distracted by Favrd, return to work, lose pen. Great.
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Back from swim practice. TV: asinine pill ad. Told it I would "stab it to death, with a blade made out of murder". May have low blood sugar.
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