All I can hope for is that my kid doesn't grow up to be the guy that's posing with a samuri sword in all of his match.com pictures.

I just wiped a kitchen knife off on my pants after using it and stuck it right back in the holder. Sorry fellas, I'm already taken.

When somebody I admire starts following me, I want to unfollow them for following such a loser.

Anybody else's pubes poke out of their jeggins when they don't wear underwear?

My garbage disposal is the only pet I can keep alive.

When I see somebody stinky looking approach, I always hold my breath in case I get caught in their tailwind.

Lotsa flavor packets being accidentally poured into boiling water along with the noodles today.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO PUT THESE IN YOUR EARS?! -everybody reading the q-tip package for the first time

I imagine all of you like Kathleen Turner as Joan Wilder, feeding her cat Fancy Feast on a crystal plate after completing her romance novel

Ready to return my toddler back to the manufacturer. Oh wait, that's me /:(

Can you die from eating bad cheese? Cheese is already bad isn't it? I'm still eating it.

Ugg boots never really caught on for guys, did it? Let's make that happen.

Ladies: those super lacy bras you wear make it look like you have lumpy boobies under your t-shirts.

I saw some old dude today with his sweatshirt tucked into his belted sweatpants, wearing dress shoes with his gym socks. He was FANCY.

Ugh. Which of my neighbors can I ask to borrow a stick of butter that hasn't accidentally seen me naked?

SO FUN: follow somebody into a public restroom, turn off the lights and start whistling, "who's afraid of the big bad wolf".

It wasn't your last tweet that got you unfollowed, it was more the tweet that broke the camel's back.

Don't you guys ever get tired of recommending @ahm76 @robdelaney @thesulk @clarkekant @joseph_ocon @samgrittner and @jordanrubin every #FF?

Am I the only one that has to sing the Oscar Mayer song to spell bologna?

Me and my sister built a sand toilet one summer and made my little brother go to the bathroom in it.