Sometimes I worry that I'm an asshole... then I tell myself to fuck off.

Aunt Jemima's Underground Railway Pancake House. #badrestaurants

@uberpinscher "@nmefilmandtv: Here's what David Mitchell has to say about a possible 'Peep Show' movie...  http://bit.ly/U1A3LN ”

@paulypeligroso Sorry Pauly, that song is 48,689,460 views away from making you a hipster

blah blah blah fire isn't black blah blah blah because fire works

From an academic standpoint, people who say they are going to do all this bad stuff after the #rapture don't really understand the concept.

You can tell how bad of a message I am typing by how close my phone is to my chest.

Dogs reminding themselves that they are vulnerable to emotions and depressed while listening to "I'm Not in Love" by 10cc. @dogsdoingthings

Woke up and heard on the radio that schools were closed and got excited. Then realized that I wasn't 6 years old and sadly ate my luckychrms

"Wow! That fart is really lingering" - guy who shit his pants

Should I have sex with this prostitute? Well I did take the stairs at work today...

Is it bad that I feel more irresponsible when my phone runs out of battery than when I show up to work hungover?

I 'socially hate' the same way that people 'socially smoke'

You probably won't believe me but I have trust issues.

Legend has it that a person ran a marathon and only mentioned it once.

I try to make attainable New Year's resolutions. This year my resolution is eternal sadness.

The lesser known eighth ring of hell consists of middle aged women taking pictures of xmas displays with their Blackberries.

The biggest war my generation has seen is stabbing ourselves with a poppy. #thanks #RememberanceDay

The character development on Everybody Loves Raymond is sooo funny!

I smell a Romney/Big Bird meme a brewin' #debates