Ran into an acquaintance who complimented me on my winter weight gain. I would have thanked him, but he died suddenly.

The strong winds are about to demolish the neighbor's wind chimes with my hammer.

I can't afford to get my hair done this month, but I doubt my Gynecologist will care that it's not shaped like a bunny for Easter.

I wrote an article for a food blog, but I can't decide between, "50 ways to like Oatmeal" and "How to die alone" for the title.

Got a nasty look from a guy as he whipped aggressively around me. I guess I made him late for the stoplight.

I THINK I just heard a newscaster say the volcano is producing "beautiful ass clowns." What the Eyjafjallajokull does that mean?

I'm not allowed to call myself an idiot, so I changed the word to Unicorn. Now when I do something stupid, I jam an ice pick in my forehead.

A Fear & Loathing-100legged-furry-nightmare-horror bug just sprinted across the carpet in front of me, & this ceiling fan is really sturdy.

Yeast infections can create beer and self loaving.

Cucumbers are no good after 5 days. That's like 72 in penis years.

I have to turn the radio off when I'm lost because "fuck-fucker-fuckety-fuck" is best sung acapella.

Although these new tampons are enormous and uncomfortable, I did save time by not having to towel off or blow dry.

My scream talking, walk stomping, downstairs neighbors were bothered by my 'fridge door squeak, and shotgun blast to the face noise. My bad.

One neat thing about a two week eating binge, I only need a cup and a half of water for my bath.

I hate everything and the kitchen sink it rode in on.

If there are no coincidences, then this dog just rode his butthole across the living room rug, BECAUSE he heard the song "Express Yourself."

My tail lights aren't burned out, so the dashboard warning must be indicating that I have a sweet ass and to back it on up, yo.

This chocolate pudding laxative is doing wonders for my waste line. (Pun intestinal).

I'd like to accept your 9 & 11yr old's fb friend requests, as much as you'd like a photo of you blowing Santa as my new profile picture.

Star Wars was the first movie I saw in a Theater. I remember it so clearly that I still crave Reeses Pieces when I hear 'Nanu Nanu'.