Going to buy hot sauce and condoms. Yeah. My honey woke up grumpy. You figure out the rest.

Again with the hurrying and waiting. Life is a series of busy bathrooms.

You ever wonder how the Professor on Giligan's Island could build a radio outa coconuts but the idiot couldn't build a damn raft?

This snow is really deep. I might make Robby tie a rope to himself when he takes the trash out. Don't wanna lose another trashcan.

One week Facebook free. I feel better than I did when I quit meth.

You know our text conversation is over when I send you a pic of my cat's asshole.

U guys wishin death on Limbaugh are mean! He's a person! Now. Back to pickin on the guy that tried 2 blow his pecker off!

Yay! It's Friday! Wait. Why am I excited? I'm a SAHM. Crap. No weekend. EVER. Oh the horror!

I'm 5 followers away from Westboro protesting and calling me Satan.

"That's an interesting St Patty's hat Where'd you get it?." "I caught a leprechaun, skinned him and turned him into a fedora."

New Year's Eve: mono's bff.

Than the internets were borned and grammer and spelings was forever banshed becuz peepal that speel and tocks gud r pertenshus assholls.

OMG! How awesome would a lightsaber vibrator be? Turn it on and it's all bwannng!

Those 15 cups of coffee didn't work. Your face still pisses me off.

I love when someone says "I just don't get Twitter." Means I don't have to see their bullshit here too.

I hate being on speaker. BF on speaker in front of his boss: Anything else? Me: Lube, vibrator is out of batteries, wet wipes, blindfold

Son thinks he broke his finger poking a blanket with it. At times I just wanna cry. A blanket? He couldn't lie & tell me he hit someone?

Twitter is a great source of information. Not only do I get immediate news, I also find how many times people are fucking each other's mom.

You know what is horrible? Having a strong urge to call one of ur teenage child's friends a nerd. Becuz the kid is a total poser.

Coffee is the best orgasm ... after the squirty kind of course.