Just got 8 new followers in 5 minutes. Did someone release my sex tape?

If I had a penis, I would totally put a bagel on it. At least once.

I wish Mafia Wars was a real thing. Then everybody on Facebook would be dead.

I forget. Do personalized plates scream "I'm an asshole" or "I have low self esteem?"

Unlike Favstar, I have bonus features you don't have to pay for.

I like men for their personalities. But I'll only let the hot ones touch me, of course.

I think I want another baby. And by another baby, I mean quit my job, move to Vegas, and become a showgirl.

My arms are shaking so bad after that workout I'm sure I could give a handjob without even moving.

I'll never understand rich people with fucked up teeth.

Hey lady. Wait until I extend an invitation before you climb up my ass.

I'm a strong swimmer. Luckily for me, my husbands sperm weren't.

I think I've reached the age where it's less embarrassing to say I didn't graduate than tell people what year I did.

I colored my hair today. Never doing that again. It took 5 hours and 12 Sharpies.

I've been soul searching for 39 years. Turns out I don't have one.

I'm totally uncomfortable knowing what my bosses shit smells like.

I sneezed and didn't pee my pants so I already consider this a day a success.

Pass out candy, take a sip, pass out candy, take a sip, pass out candy, take your clothes off, pass out candy, pass out.

Pro tip: you cannot light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. You're welcome.

I just set the world record time for eating a taco. Maybe I should have been a lesbian.

I'm pretty sure I have a merlot mustache. Fuck it.