The british put ugly people on TV like they don't give a fuck

If I kept your secret, your secret was boring

I'm no scientist, but when you choke for no reason, it's because a ghost just came in your mouth

After my drafts folder is read aloud at my funeral, I'd like for one of you to initiate a slow clap

My husband does this annoying thing where it turns out he's right after I specifically told him he wasn't

It's so uncool that there are really old people born in the same year as me

Instead of stretching after my workout, I fell asleep on the floor and instead of working out, I also fell asleep on the floor :(

”Instead of asking anyone, I'll just Google it” -Not enough people

Why do today what you can put off until it becomes irrelevant and you don't have to do it anymore?

Changing careers is a great way to find out what else you're not good at

”Nothing I do matters.” -Antimatter

I'm on favstar now! That's the terminal stage of this addiction, right?

Thanks to Kirk Cameron, I'm feeling pretty confident in my decision to be left behind

The follow back feels a lot like a pity fuck and I'm surprisingly OK with that

You can do whatever the fuck you want to me as long as you do it in an Irish accent

I'm at my most religious when I'm able to find the remote without moving

I never feel more betrayed than when someone takes me up on my offer to help

Are there any books on tape that are porn because I want that.

Are we 100% sure 'celsius' is a real thing?

I'm old enough to know better, too lazy to give a shit