I phoned in sick today. Them- how sick are you? Me- I'm on top of my sister is that sick enough for you?

RT if you've fucked one of your followers.

If you're happy and you know it. Keep it to yourself. Thank you.

I always have the last word. Cause the other person usually walks away while I'm still talking.

I like the 68 position. You do me and I'll owe you one.

If you can't get drunk in half an hour you're not trying.

Now that the wifes on Twitter mutual masturbation is when we sit across from each other wanking while DMing other people.

I would have liked to be a stand up comedian. But that would involve standing up.

Said to her. What do you want for Xmas. She said a divorce. I wasn't planning on spending that much.

Look. Let's get this straight. I didn't come on here to talk about your sex life........I came on here to see the photographs.

I couldn't swallow my viagra properly last night and ended up with a stiff neck.

Married men don't actually live longer than single men. It just seems longer.

The wife had 18 stitches after giving birth to our oldest. I'm not saying she's got a big gash, but there's only 12 in a potato sack.

If any of you Cunts won the lottery I would NEVER be so base as to request money. I would like an iPad though.

It's quite happy to let me tweet a load of Shite if there's no photo involved. Bite ma baws fuckchops.

I'm just here for the beer.

Walked into living room. 3yr old said, "what d'you want?" That's my girl.

My right nut is killing me. She threw the remote to me last night and scored a direct hit. Obviously sucking it later didn't help.

I'm as honest as my cock is long. Wait. Ah fuck it. I never was any good with metaphors.

My favourite part of showering is washing my legs. Strong. Powerful......sorry, thought I was on Facebook again.