I couldn't tell which drink I roofied so I drank both of them and now some dude won't stop groping myself.

My therapist says I should really slow down with the drug use, which is bullshit because he doesn't even exist.

Wedding's in two weeks. Wish I could invite all of you, but the Waffle House only sits 33.

Breaking out the tequila bottle because I'm an adult and this is America. Just kidding. Because I'm in traffic.

This might be the meth talking but my life is ruined.

I'd probably be a better pickpocket if I didn't go for the boobs, like, every time.

This bar is lame. They only serve wine and stale wafers but I heard there's face painting that gets rid of sins. Anyways, totally drunk.

I followed someone in real life and now it sucks because house arrest is BO-RING.

The hardest thing about having to stand and eat a burrito in public is forgetting that everyone can see my erection.

I went to a comedy show last night but sadly I was unable to find his jokes funny until I imagined them typed out.

Someone asked me to send a fax and naturally, when I don't know how to do something, I start masturbating in front of them.

Wife: You've started drinking already? Super Bowl is not until 6:30 tonight.

Me: The Super Bowl is on today?

Whoever invented decaf must have been the same guy who read Playboy just for the articles.

I'd love to see Rachel Ray in porn just to watch her not talk.

Thanks to Facebook, I now know it's Thursday and everyone is going to work.

I'm always a little wary of Thanksgiving because, what will start as a nice family dinner, always becomes my intervention.

Watching The Biggest Loser in HD and I must say, the clarity is stunning shit I'm looking in the mirror.

Why do I always come up with the best shit in the bathroom?

The worst thing about calling in sick is not being able to post my jet skiing photos from today online until next week.

Trees say the darndest things when you're high.