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The line, "That'll do pig, that'll do" does not go over well with Olive Garden waitresses grating cheese over your salad.
"You are not a winner." Thank you, Fruit Loops box, for keeping me humble.
People who protect their tweets were probably the assholes in elementary school who would create a wall of folders around their tests.
Why stop at the ultrasound pictures on Facebook, ladies? Let's see an animated GIF of your water breaking or perhaps the broken condom.
Waiting for my romantic comedy moment where I tearily say, "I'm scared" with a shrug and the guy says, "I'm scared, too" and then we fuck.
My favorite sex position is shaving because I think something's going to happen but end up eating pizza on the couch instead.
If your baby isn't an E-Trade baby then please don't bring it to lunch.
Had a chance to touch a squirrel this morning and didn't take it. Probably going to regret it for the rest of my life.
You miss fat Jonah Hill. There are now hundreds of fat Jonah Hills floating around the room. You are weeping. You are on acid. Apple Jacks.
Washed my face like they do in the commercials and now I'm ankle deep in water..
"Mmm, I like that one a lot" and "Fuck yeah, show me more" plus aggressive head nodding is why I never get shown baby pictures anymore.
Beware of getting into a relationship in the winter, ladies. You could be dating a jorts guy and not even know it.
The way girls rush to a camera after a picture has been taken reminds me of the time I fed bread to some ducks & they fought to the death.
Don't be too excited, college freshman. In a few years you'll be dead inside, broke, and pushing day 7 of wearing your good pants too.
Girl are you from Holland because Amsterdayuuuum.
Tonight I wrote Paula Deen a letter using only butter. She's going to love it.
Depressing is eating ramen noodles while watching a six course meal being prepared on the Food Network.
I sing "I Think We're Alone Now" to my food more often than I should.
Seeing a girl my age with a baby in her stomach and knowing I only have Taco Bell in mine is oddly satisfying.
Next time Adele's "Someone Like You" plays in a crowded room, look around. There will be at least one white girl giving the chorus her all.