Math problems are not your problems. You cannot solve for x. You are x. The universe will solve you in time, like all mortal men. Resist

HOW TO NEVER FORGET:
1) Always remember
2) Re-remember
3) If you start to forget, stop
4) Remember that you're forgetting
5) Surgical

* Peel back cover, stir peas.
* Heat for 1-2 more minutes.
* Let stand for 1 min.
* Use that minute to think. Look at your LIFE, man.

WHO LET MY FLAWS OUT

not overexert yourself. Start slowly and work your way up to more vigorous sleeping. Gradually increase hours slept until dead

1. Ask opposing team politely for football.
2. Hold it daintily like a purse.
3. Wave like a giant girl!
4. Stroll casually to the end zone.

1. Impregnate teen girl by telepathy.
2. Send her into exile with elderly husband.
3. Induce birth in barn.
4. Have wise men bring perfume.

DO NOT PANIC! Snow day procedures:
* Procure money
* Procure hos
* Procure gin and juice
* Lose gin, juice, money to hos

seasoning packet over noodles; stir. Cover box, let sit for 2 minutes. Look at yourself reflected in the microwave. You had dreams once.

New Years Resolutions:

1. 1024 x 768
2. 1280 x 800
3. 1366 x 768
4. 1440 x 900
5. Fewer threatening letters to the estate of Fred Rogers.

🎅🎅🎅🎅🎅🎅🎅🎅🎅
🎅🎅🎅SANTA🎅🎅🎅🎅
🎅🎅🎅WATCHES🎅🎅🎅
🎅🎅YOU🎅🎅MAS🎅🎅
🎅🎅🎅🎅TUR🎅🎅🎅🎅
🎅🎅🎅🎅BATE🎅🎅🎅🎅
🎅🎅🎅🎅🎅🎅🎅🎅🎅

quiet desperation of those who wait in the rain, smoking and nervous about nothing but existence and when they might next see a mime

GUY 1: I totally reinvented the wheel.
GUY 2: It's just a circle made of cocaine.
GUY 1: I know.
STEPHEN HAWKING: I love it.

POLICY: Keep fighting these wars to keep other countries from fighting wars with each other that might draw us into fighting unwanted wars

You are an American! You want it all! Lower taxes! More features and services! Great taste! Less filling! Dirty sex! True love! GOOD! EVIL!

So You've Decided To Unleash The Golem

❒Single ❒Taken ❒Evenly Distributed ❒Cut Into Tiny Cubes ❒Wearing A Pretty Pony Suit 24/7 ✔Exorcising A Demon-Haunted Vaginal Vault

How To Make A Good Sword

This is a common mistake. It is much easier to sneak up on a soldier while they are sleeping and take their sword.

Warning Signs:
1) Healthy body, diseased mind
2) Healthy imagination, diseased reality
3) Air turning green
4) Sky igloos

HOW TO BE POPULAR

1. Make a friend.
2. Make a friend.
3. Make a friend.
4. Make a friend.
5. Make a friend.
6. Make a friend.