I remember when twitter used to stop at midnight & there'd just be a picture of Stephen Fry writing 'Fifty Shades of Grey' on a blackboard.

How middle class are you? Count the types of vinegar you have, multiply by types of sugar, & add herbal tea box count.

Non-mad person seeks room, SW London, from end of month. £550ish PCM ideal, rest can be paid in lemon drizzle cake. Around Fri Sat to view!

Apparently they've closed Edinburgh Castle because of the weather. It'd obviously have stood up well against marauding soldiers, then.

A Found poem, written by Google. http://t.co/UT1vINvr

"I'm sorry, but your current session has timed out due to inactivity." That's what I want on my gravestone.

How romantic that song is depends on which type of birds suddenly appear. Hens: odd. Geese: terrifying. Seagulls: run for the hills.

New Facebook icon: giant f on a background of tiny boxes. In every box, another Facebook app. In that box, the same. Inside that: hell.

Find plays. Send them to theatre. Theatre will hide them in building/publish on website. Clicky!  http://www.foundplays.co.uk 

Stop acting like that's a phrase, Morrisons. pic.twitter.com/DX0PTpt8Hh

Remember that panic you get cos haven't done an essay, but it's 100 essays & they're due tomorrow & you don't have any books. That's a PhD.

This club* is really bangin**. Lots of hot ballers^ & some kicking tunes~.

*my kitchen
**clean
^ good lighting
~ attractive kitchen units

Loving this Royal Mail stamp series paying tribute to top rappers of our time. http://t.co/OiKRMGt3

Twitter: ASSEMBLE! Can you help me find a room in SW London? Budget - barely any; timescale - 2nd Sept or before; am down Fri Sat looking.

I think there's some blood in my alcohol stream.

The cat is kneading my clothing. She looks up at me. Her expression says "I hate myself for doing this but I just can't stop."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar, prompting questions about female representation in joke formats. #AntiJokeTuesday

@rhodri In my worst interview ever, the person interviewing me got the job.

Browsing Facebook. Based on a system where I am awarded 10 points for an orange bride & 20 for a misshapen newborn, I now have 1,620 points.

"School trousers for all degrees of naughty", say M&S. Am I alone in finding that slightly disturbing?