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George Osborne joining Twitter is like your boss coming to your mum's funeral after he ran her over.
If you're doing the party season on a budget, go for a Lidl black dress.
My uncle lost his favourite pigeon, Beyonce. I told him, if you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
"A bird's been eating my spring vegetables"; "Asparagus?"; "No, a crow. And my name's John."
My daughter told me she'd spilt Tipp-Ex on the chair I was sitting in but I didn't believe her. I stand corrected...
How many lightbulbs does it take to make these bloody jokes funny?
Got my Raiders of the Lost Ark commemorative jewellery delivered this morning! It's Indy Pendants Day!
From my window I can see a skip full of Mick Jagger's stage clothing. It's literally a Stones throwaway.
I had a date with a supermodel once. She couldn't manage a whole one.
Hi, can I get an RT just for the hell of it? Ta.
Facebook buys Instagram. Instagram goes down. Bears pick up toilet roll and a newspaper and wander off into the woods, whistling.
"How much are tickets for the Hogwarts sports day?; "Quid each."
I may have said this before, but a BBC Proms channel would be lovely. Playing old Proms performances? Please? *clasps hands*