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George Osborne joining Twitter is like your boss coming to your mum's funeral after he ran her over.
If you're doing the party season on a budget, go for a Lidl black dress.
From my window I can see a skip full of Mick Jagger's stage clothing. It's literally a Stones throwaway.
My uncle lost his favourite pigeon, Beyonce. I told him, if you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
"A bird's been eating my spring vegetables"; "Asparagus?"; "No, a crow. And my name's John."
My daughter told me she'd spilt Tipp-Ex on the chair I was sitting in but I didn't believe her. I stand corrected...
How many lightbulbs does it take to make these bloody jokes funny?
Got my Raiders of the Lost Ark commemorative jewellery delivered this morning! It's Indy Pendants Day!
I had a date with a supermodel once. She couldn't manage a whole one.
Hi, can I get an RT just for the hell of it? Ta.
Facebook buys Instagram. Instagram goes down. Bears pick up toilet roll and a newspaper and wander off into the woods, whistling.
"How much are tickets for the Hogwarts sports day?; "Quid each."
I may have said this before, but a BBC Proms channel would be lovely. Playing old Proms performances? Please? *clasps hands*
Re Mi Do Do So
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